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» Nauvoo Forum » Nauvoo Classic Forum » General Discussions » Does a wife's calling require a husband's assent? (Page 1)

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Author Topic: Does a wife's calling require a husband's assent?
pooka
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I was asked to go see the branch president this evening (back on sunday) and the exec. sec. said my husband didn't have to attend. Does this mean I'm not getting a calling? Why else would they want to talk to me?
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Mahonri Moriancumr
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good question.

If he is getting a calling, you should be there. If you are getting a calling, he should be there.

It's that simple.

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Pink Floyd
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Answer: "Usually."
And wives are also often asked if they will support their husbands in their new callings. So likely they want to visit with you about a calling.

But your second question is much more fun: Why else might they want to talk to you?

1. To ask you to quit bringing red punch to Ward activities.

[ June 08, 2006, 08:57 AM: Message edited by: Pink Floyd ]

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pooka
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Maybe I made a worrying comment in Gospel Doctrine. The only one I can think of is "God has power to make it right." But since that was the topic of a Stake Conference talk beamed from Salt Lake last month, I doubt it could be that. I suppose my comment could have been taken as rebutting another sister's comment.

I'm thinking the Exec. Sec. just was thinking in terms of I'm getting a calling and not my husband today. Well, my husband is probably going anyway to see if there will be a couple of brethren in one place to give him a blessing. The reality is there isn't a calling that he would have a problem with me doing, since he believes strongly in not saying "no" or even "I'll pray about it" for callings.

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Casisana
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Can't tell you the # of times I've been talked to about a calling without Shiz there. When they ask me if I accept, I will tell them I have to talk to Shiz first, [ROFL] . So, you can always go that route if it is about a calling.
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Pink Floyd
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2. To get you opinion: "Should women be required to wear hats to Church?"
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OmeGa
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Oh I want to go then , vote yes women wear hats at church. Big ones, tall ones, pink ones, mink ones, everyone women must wear one at least 4 times a year but not more than 40 times a year !!!!! Church would be more fun!!!
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Casisana
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3. Can you do something about your H's gas problem during sacrament meeting? [Dont Know]
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maryozion
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4. To get you opinion: should we go to a 2 hour block of meetings.
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meadowbee
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5. to ask if you would becomea walking partner with his wife, to aid in her weight loss program ???? (this OmeGA not Miss Bee)
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JennaDean
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Hubby's only been invited to come with me one time when I was interviewed for a calling ... that was Primary Pres. It never occurred to me to even ask his opinion any other time, until my most recent one after I'd been reading all these Nauvoodle opinions. [Big Grin]

What do they do when a woman's husband isn't a member? Do they ask for his support then?

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catherder
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It is also possible that if it is a calling, they have already asked your husband if he can support and sustain their extending a calling to you. That has been the case several times the past couple years in my ward's bishopric when they have extended a calling to my wife. Don't know if that is right or wrong according to protocol and the instructions, just what I've seen happen.

Or, it could just be a case where the Bishop wants to see how you are doing. [Smile]

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catherder
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quote:
What do they do when a woman's husband isn't a member? Do they ask for his support then?
I don't know. I think a bishopric that is trying to maintain peace and open communication in the home where the husband is not a member will try to. Particularly if the calling is one of the more time consuming ones.
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OmeGa
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Well if they had already asked the husband, I am surprised he has not given her a heads up --'something is coming your way dear and I will be supportive' type of talk. Also in our last Ward we had a sister call to be RS Pres. whose husband was not a member and the Bishop did go to their home and explain o him the duties and time involved and asked him first, to me that was wonderful and she often said how much that meant to her and her husband and how supportive he was and how proud of her he was for her calling, he helped come set up often--- didn't see him on Sundays, but for parties or week-day activites he was very helpful.
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ethos
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6. they want to talk with you about paying tithing on net vs gross, while nursing your babies in the chapel, and whether or not you drink green tea with your green jello when you donate to the church online.
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catherder
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quote:
I am surprised he has not given her a heads up --'something is coming your way dear and I will be supportive' type of talk
Why be surprised? It isn't the husband's place or authority to give his wife a heads-up, as it were, concerning a pending calling, because the bishopric can always change it's mind before issuing a call. Just the same way it isn't the wife's place or authority to inform her husband his name was submitted for consideration as a primary teacher if she is in the Primary Presidency. [Smile]
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AndrewR
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Whilst there is not a requirement to ask a husband's permission, the following is good advice.

quote:
When a sister will be called to a Church position, it may be desirable to confer with her husband first. CHI Book 1, Page 37
However, it goes on to say:-

quote:
The leader normally invites the spouse of a married person to be present and give support when the calling is extended. CHI Book 1, Page 38
So no calling should be extended without the spouse present, although it probably happens without the spouse more often than with.


Andrew R.

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catherder
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7. Your habit of saving seats in the chapel and then switching to someone else's pew at the last minute have become either a thing to be admired, and therefore they want to hire you as a change management consultant to the ward, or last week when you did this it offended a visitor to the other ward meeting in your building who then reported the incident to several people from prominent LDS families who know general authorities and someone told the bishop to nip this sort of behavior in the bud, and since the last lesson you gave in RS was an allegory to a Rose bud, they figured you were the bud and culprit. [Wink]
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Rosaline
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So, along the same lines, what about temple attendance?

I attended the temple for the first time while married to an extremely in-active man. He had to provide writen consent for me to get a temple recommend. If he had refused, I would have been in a situation where I was not allowed to attend the temple even though I was worthy or I divorce my husband.

That irritated me a bit. Luckily, he did consent, barely.

But I can't help but think that I would have had to choose. I know there are many who experience this type of thing...I just don't know how they do it.

And, BTW, my mother was called to be the RS pres and my father said No way! She did it anyway. So if the spouse doesn't support a calling, do they still extend it?

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Pink Floyd
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Andrew said:
quote:
So no calling should be extended without the spouse present, although it probably happens without the spouse more often than with.
I don't know if one way is more often than the other way.

Wow. That didn't make sense.

Talking about "non-leadership" callings: I think it all depends on the leader and how strong his feelings are about it. It also seems to ebb and flow. When I was first in a bishopric 25 years ago (My that hurt my ego to figure out that date...), you never made a calling to the wife without asking the husband first. Then it went away when "women's rights" were hot and heavy, then it swung the other way where you had both present for the calling. Now, it seems to be that asking permission is the "nice" way to do it, but not necessary.

[ June 08, 2006, 12:18 PM: Message edited by: Pink Floyd ]

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Pink Floyd
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Rosaline asked:
quote:
So, along the same lines, what about temple attendance?
Temple attendance is a whole different animal. The spouse (husband or wife) is always asked for permission because of the covenants you make, because of the commitment it takes, and becaue of garments.

It is also done so the spouse can have any questions he/she may have answered long before the permission is given.

BTW: If I were extending a calling to a member with a non-member spouse, I would always ask a non-member spouse (either one) for support, either before or while extending the calling to the member just so they could understand what it means as far as time commitment, and so on.

[ June 08, 2006, 12:17 PM: Message edited by: Pink Floyd ]

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Pink Floyd
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8. The neighbors are complaining about your sunbathing habits in the back yard.
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mammasue
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One thing that irritated me with our former bishop - and the one before that, and the Stake President - was that they asked my husband's permission to call me to Nursery yet didn't talk to me about him being called to the Bishopric and High Council! He told me after he had been interviewed.

When he was ex'ed the Stake didn't even talk to me or tell me when his church court was - he told me. I'm sure if it had been me before the court he would have been imformed and councelled with every step of the way.

Now there's no one to ask since we are almost not married anymore. I think I am going to enjoy that part of being single!

hugs

Sue G

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rayb
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9. He wants your recipe for spinach artichoke dip.
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Pink Floyd
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quote:
One thing that irritated me with our former bishop - and the one before that, and the Stake President - was that they asked my husband's permission to call me to Nursery yet didn't talk to me about him being called to the Bishopric and High Council! He told me after he had been interviewed.
That is too bad. It isn't the way it is supposed to be done.

When I was called to the HC, I was first called in for a "mini temple recommend interview." Took about 30 seconds. Mrs. Pink was called in and we both found out the calling at the same moment.

I cried.

She laughed.

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OmeGa
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quote:
Why be surprised?
because we talk to each other about things going on in our lives in our home, he would not tell me the calling but would let me know that I might be called to something new, becasue IMHO, it is our place and responsibility to talk and communicate with one another and be supportive of one another. If the Bishop changed his mind, after talking with a husband then he should let the husband know that he had changed his mind. How weird would it be for a Bishop to ask you to call your wife to a calling , then in church on Sunday , you hear someone else is called to that calling, that would arouse questions, okay for a change to be made but be considerate of all parties involved.
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catherder
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quote:
How weird would it be for a Bishop to ask you to call your wife to a calling , then in church on Sunday , you hear someone else is called to that calling, that would arouse questions, okay for a change to be made but be considerate of all parties involved.
No, it would not, or let me say probably should not, arouse questions. When I have been consulted concerning new callings for my wife (or my teenaged daughter for that matter), it has always essentially been along the lines of "we are considering extending a call for x or y to Sis. Cat Herder and we wanted to get your feelings on the matter and if it is something you think you can support." Since I've sat in on a couple bishopric meetings as a clerk where callings have been specifically prayed over, I interpret that to mean the bishopric has not done the final praying as a quorum and taken the matter to The Lord asking for His final confirmation on extending the call. If they are checking with the husband / father, that is supposed to be one of the factors that goes into the decision before praying for confirmation anyway. Besides, in theory, a wife could always exercise her agency to decline the calling and not tell her husband.

As completely open and honest as we expect a husband and wife to be in a marriage, there are certain things when dealing with Priesthood administration where discression and confidence is required. If a man can't be trusted to use it in something as simple as this in "not spilling the beans" [Wink] , how can The Lord (or fellow ward and family members) trust him to exercise it where it really counts if he is called into Priesthood Leadership? That is where I'm coming from is all. [Smile]

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jana at jade house
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quote:
What do they do when a woman's husband isn't a member? Do they ask for his support then?
I insist that my husband is part of the process every time no matter what calling it is because member or not, he is impacted.
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OmeGa
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I still think if the Bishop called my husband in to ask about a giving me a calling then it is okay even proper for my husband to give me a heads up, IF it was in a officail meeting that my husband attends and it was just part of a discussion but not a real decision, then that is a totally different thing. In those meeting that is Ward Business. In the other case it is family stuff as I see it.
This
quote:
If a man can't be trusted to use it in something as simple as this in "not spilling the beans" , how can The Lord (or fellow ward and family members) trust him to exercise it where it really counts if he is called into Priesthood Leadership?
I think has no merit in this instance, we are taking about a husband and wife talking between themselves, only about things that involve them, I see no way this information would be disclosed to the whole Ward, that is quite a leap.
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Nola
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The only time I have had my husband involved was when I was called as Primary President... and that ladies & gentlmen was the hardest, most rewarding calling that I never want again!!

Nola [Big Grin]

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boardmadd
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quote:
The only time I have had my husband involved was when I was called as Primary President... and that ladies & gentlmen was the hardest, most rewarding calling that I never want again!!
I got the call for Mrs. Madd when she was called to be Primary President. They asked me if I would be able to sustain my wife in this calling and if I had any questions or concerns. I was fine with it; I haven't been to elder's quorum since [Big Grin] (OK, I'm somewhat kidding there, but I have actually been the substitute teacher du jour in Primary for the past year because of Mrs. Madd's current gig, which is fine with me, as I have a 50/50 chance of teaching one of my kid's classes [Smile] ).
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Jen
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Huh. I've gotten most calls without hubby present. I think they may have asked if it would work for our family or if I thought hubby would be okay with it. We fully support each other in any callings though so it's a non-issue. Which is probably why I have 3 callins. [Roll Eyes]
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Bruce
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9. There are people bothered by your stong perfume and they are going to ask you to come with out it.
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Casisana
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10. The bishop's wife really wants that recipe you brought to the last potluck.
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TheOne
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11. A GA has been reading your comments on Nauvoo and is concerned.
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winnieg
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I have had both. The larger the calling my husband was invited to join only after I was asked, he hung out in the hallway. [Smile]

Permission, now that bugs me! [Mad]
I am thankful to say not one time in 29 years not once has my husband been asked for permission. I think my bishops know me well enough not to ask, saves them from me kicking his behind (verbally) of course.

In my calling now he was required as a priesthood adviser but the bishop told him flat out I was the adviser and he was only there due to his priesthood roll. [Hail]
He told my husband he was to fallow my lead. YSA
I thought that was funny. [Big laugh]

I on the other hand have been asked, if I would support my husbands calling. I sat in the hallway those times.
My husband had already told him that we decided years ago that we would never turn down callings.
Sounds dumb doesn’t?
However, up to 7 years ago I was always thaught you could not turn down a calling. It was in choosing a YW presidency when I asked our bishop how was calling of my assistance going?
He told me the sisters turned it down!
“Turn it DOWN! “You can’t turn callings down”! that is how we found out we had a choice.
Right then and there we decided never to turn down a calling.

So when the stake president called me in from the hallway he already know my answer.

I find it hard to believe members would turn their heavenly father down when asked.
I have on the other hand been asked to be released. To much for me at the time, health or holding two many callings at one time. In smaller wards that not unusual. I thought early morning seminary and Sunday school to the same age youth and ran the library wile working full time. Most of that time my bishop forgot I was juggling so many at once.

We fingered it out only after we move that there was a core group of members that would take callings were others would turn them down.
What a shame they missed out on grate blessings.
After we left, it became a question in Temple interviews under sustaining your bishop once the building of the new temple was announced. He made it know in a talk one Sunday.
Members took callings then.
[Grumble]

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rayb
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Winnie: I have a tendency to idealize folks, and think the best of them in pretty much every situation if they come to church... One of the hardest things for me to deal with is discovering that someone has turned down a calling... I just don't see that person in the same light as I used to. Luckily I'm not in a position where it matters, and I don't hear a lot about it, but unless I get to hear the excuse it really sours my perspective.

We had a close friend turn down a calling to the nursery. For a while it affected my friendship with her. I am over it now, but it took me conscious effort not to ignore that little jab of irritation being around them...

--Ray

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ketchupqueen
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I have turned down a calling. Last year. It didn't feel right after praying, and you can read about it on the callings forum. Then it turned out I was pregnant, too.

Obviously, I'm on the road to apostacy. [Roll Eyes]

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catherder
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Referring to Ray's and Winnie's comments, this is part of the reason why generally it is a good idea for the bishopric to ping the father in the family prior to actually extending a call to a family member, to see if there is anything that would stand in the way of the wife or child accepting and magnifying the calling. I think only rarely should it really be interpreted as gaining "permission".

Many people will accept a calling even if they may not be in a good position at the moment to magnify it properly, or when they may have unresolved hang-ups concerning the particular position, but would never tell the bishopric member directly about it unless pressed. There have been a couple times when bishoprics have felt impressed to extend this or that calling to my wife, which she would have accepted because that is what she was taught to do, but she would have resented being called to it at that particular time. I've been able to indicate to them "I don't have a problem with it, but you may want to make sure you talk with her about her experience(s) in this calling / feelings in general to state of feeling a part of the ward as part of your talking to her." One time, after they talked with her, they agreed with her that maybe the calling wasn't right at that time and so didn't extend it, the other times she came away with a resolution to her "baggage" and a confidence in accepting the calling they then extended. In all instances, it was good for her and she had more trust in the bishopric.

I see this as one way of my supporting and sustaining my wife in my role as patriarch and presiding priesthood holder in our home as well as her husband and help meet.

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brando
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Please explain this
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