If we lay off ethnic groups, nationalities, or disabilities, we might run out of joke material entirely--unless we're a member of the "protected group."
Since I have Chinese ancestry, I can legitimately correct this one.
girl with one leg = Eileen
Chinese girl with one leg = Irene
It's the Japanese girl who would be Irene. The Chinese language has the L sound but not R, so that gal would be Eileen too!
Three rabbis are walking along the street & their eyes are drawn to the bright Christmas lighting. Rabbi Goldberg sighs, turns to the others, & says, "Oy, my friends, but I am feeling low this year. My beloved oldest son has just gone & turned Christian."
Rabbi Levy also sighs. "My dear friend, I know what you're going through. My son, too, has embraced Christianity, & now he thinks he can walk on water & do no wrong."
Rabbi Cohen adds his sigh. "My beloved friends, I too can sympathize. My firstborn turned Christian & now, at this very moment, is out preaching the gospel somewhere."
A brilliant lightning bolt comes tearing out of the clear sky, followed by a thunderous boom, then a dignified fatherly voice: "Oh, My dear friends, I know exactly how you feel...."
Two bums (is it PC to say "bums"?) meet on the street. One has a crisp $5.00 bill, & his buddy asks, "Wow, did someone hire you?"
Bum #1 says, "No, I got it at St. Paul's, just up the street. I went in, said confession, told Father Ryan I was a good Catholic but had fallen on hard times. He said, 'Bless you my son' and gave me this."
Bum #2 decides to try while #1 waits nearby. He returns & said, "I even added that I'd gone to Catholic school for 12 years & I'd lost my kids but wanted to see them again, & Father said, 'Bless you my son' & gave me $10.00"
The two go straight to the corner grog shop & see another of their pals outside, with no money for his favorite refreshment. They tell him of their success with Father & they all head back to St. Paul's.
Within minutes, Bum #3 comes tumbling out of the church door, rolling down the steps & landing on his rear end in the street. His friends are astonished.
"Didn't you tell Father you were a good Catholic & repented of your sins & were down on your luck & had no place to go?"
Bum #3 looks up, dazed & confused. "Of course I did. I told Father all that. Why did he boot me out? I even added that my daddy was a priest & my mama was a nun."
A Zen Buddhist in San Francisco walks up to a hot dog vendor on the street. The vendor says, "What can I get for you?". The ZB says, "Make me one with everything!"
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Just to get away from the slightly questionable humour for the moment, I have noticed that the Pope getting the phone call from Salt Lake joke is as hilarious to my non-member friends as it is to the members. I would certainly vote it the best joke I've heard in ages.
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A patient runs into his doctor's office: "Doc, I got here as soon as I could.My wife told me you were looking for me. What message did you want to give me?" Doctor: "I was trying to get a hold of you yesterday!" Patient: "To tell me what?!" Doctor: " To tell you, you only had 24 hours to live"
And another one: "So I went to a Halloween party last night. I wore a red t-shirt. They threw me out. I guess they'd never heard of Winnie the Pooh."
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Warning: my sense of humor frequently is a bit on the dark side.
When I was in high school, Mommy Mommy jokes were making the rounds.
Mommy, Mommy, why are we pushing the car over the cliff? Hush, you'll wake your dad.
Mommy, Mommy, what's a vampire? Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.
You get the idea.
There were also Little Willy jokes (in the form of poems):
Little Willy pushed sister Nell into the family water well. Alas, alas, the fall it kilt her and now we have to buy a filter.
And a chestnut from my exchange student summer in Germany (1978) Guard sees girl approaching Berlin Wall. Guard: "Halt, who goes there?" Girl: "It's just me." Guard: "How old are you?" Girl: "I'll be 17 tomorrow." Guard: "Nope." *gunfire*
Oh, yeah, one more from Germany, a comedian named Otto: Traveling salesman visits a farm and sees only a young boy on a tractor. He asks to talk to the boy's father. Boy: "He's dead, run over by a tractor." (*Tot vom Traktor uberfahren) Salesman: "Where is your mother?" Boy: "Tot vom Traktor uberfahren." Salesman: "Are there any other adults around? Aunt, uncle?" Boy: "Tot vom Traktor uberfahren."
*I heard this in German, and remember it in English but think it sounds better in German for some reason. Pardon any translation errors.
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The Mommy Mommy jokes remind me somewhat of the "What's grosser than gross?" jokes that went around my school. And this is NOT an invitation to start those up!
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The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward -- NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"
Here's another one:
A poet and a scientist were traveling together on a plane. The scientist was bored and said to the poet, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $5." The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer. The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50." The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist. The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn." The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?" The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill. The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted, "you can't do this to me! What's the answer?" The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
Bash.org is a place where people post chat logs of things that are funny. To them. A lot of them have bad language and such, but sometimes you get one that's pretty funny. This one always makes me smile:
quote:Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me GarbageStan23: why? Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us. Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire! GarbageStan23: oh ****! Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire.... Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...
Thanks PF. That was my mom's favorite joke. She played with a lady named Edith and it was always ...hit the ball and drag Edith. First year without Mom..lots of good memories.
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