posted
This topic is occasionally talked about tangentially in other threads, but now here is a thread dedicated to doling out your best advice for a lasting and fulfilling marriage.
Background. I am getting married in April. I am a professional in healthcare. She is a professional in healthcare. We both served missions. We are both a little older (me 33, she 28 this week). We have had an amazing courtship with lots of fun, wholesome activities.
Specific questions. 1. What was the best advice you received before marriage? 2. What was the worst advice you received before marriage? 3. What is your best marriage advice to give? 4. What do you wish you had known before marriage? 5. What books would you recommend? (So far my fiance's sister got her "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" for Christmas. My friend recommends "Without Offense: The Art of Giving and Receiving Criticism". Another recommended, "And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage Through Sexual Fulfillment". 6. Anything else? What don't I know that I don't know?
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posted
1. Marry your best friend. 2. (not great for us, but works for their marriage) Be okay with spending most of your time apart and having totally separate interests. It gives you more to talk about at the end of the day. (Another caveat: this person is one I go to often for advice and, other than this, gives the best advice. Maybe it's just not good for my husband and I). 3. When things get heated and you feel like it's her will versus yours, and that you're against each other, remember that she is the sweetheart you fell in love with, who loves you, and who wants your happiness. If she can remember the same about you, then you're in a place where you're open to each other, giving one another the benefit of the doubt, and working toward compromise. 4. That as much as we love each other, we'd have rough patches. And that they would pass and we'd be the better for them. 5. "And They Were Not Ashamed", or another sensitive, Christian-based book on the topic. "The Five Love Languages". "Parenting with Love and Logic". 6. We're 13 years in and definitely don't have it all figured out, but I think that laughing together (in good times and bad) is almost as important as praying together.
posted
1. What was the best advice you received before marriage?
"Before the wedding, keep your eyes wide open. After the wedding, keep them half closed."
In other words, your time to discover and evaluate her faults is before you propose. After you ask for her hand and she accepts, that means you are accepting her, warts and all. If you go about being bothered after marriage, by the faults you knew about before marriage - you do the marriage a great disservice.
2. What was the worst advice you received before marriage?
"Don't go to bed angry." This might work for some people - not for us. We can usually choose to cool off and slow things down - but not as it nears bedtime. We get hotter and hotter, more and more destructive, less and less rational, until one of us collapses from stress and exhaustion.
3. What is your best marriage advice to give?
Before kids, if there's something horribly wrong, I honestly could care less if you stay together or not. After kids, from The Incredibles: She is the greatest good you are EVER gonna have. It doesn't matter what you see later on. It doesn't matter what changes in you or her - what leanings/desires/urges/lifestyle changes/self-discoveries you gain, or incopatibilities you develop. Even if you wake up and decide you're gay one day - stay married and make it work. Because your idiotic selfish decisions will impact grandkids yet unborn. (Abuse, adultury, and genuine destructive addictions are the three exceptions.)
4. What do you wish you had known before marriage?
Forgiveness, love, bitterness, grudge-holding - she can do them all far better and far longer than you, and she'll probably follow your lead. Choose wisely.
5. What books would you recommend?
You stay away from "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". That book is for her eyes.
"The Five Love Languages" and "And They Were Not Ashamed" are for you both.
posted
I can't remember really getting any advice before or after marriage though I had studied a lot about marriage itself.
Just offering two advice of my own: remember that marriage is as fun as you make it.
Listen to your wife. I don't me as in do what she says, but when she wants to talk, listen.
Talk about sex. Don't just do it, assuming things, but talk about it, and not once but often. Things change.
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posted
My one piece of advice: If you're having a fight/argument/disagreement, it can be tempting for some people to let it get heated. Instead, ask yourself this: What's your goal? How do you want the fight to end? IOW, is it more important to win, or is it more important to communicate with each other so you can figure out a solution that works for both of you?
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posted
I will second LoudmouthMormon's rejection of the "don't go to bed angry" advice. While we avoid it, of course, things can be blown out of proportion when you are tired and angry. Sometimes some sleep can help restore a more accurate perspective, and make it easier to mutually compromise and forgive.
Beyond that, all the usual advice- be honest, be humble. Oh, and really internalize the idea that being the leader of the family means that you are the servant of all. That does not mean that you should be servile, or controlled by your wife or kids.
quote:Talk about sex. Don't just do it, assuming things, but talk about it, and not once but often. Things change.
Great advice.
Edit: Both you and your wife should put each other ahead of the kids. As LMM indicates, don't put yourself ahead of the kids. Put each other ahead of the kids.
posted
I agree that the spouse comes first before the kids, but I've seen that taken to extremes that I'm not comfortable with.
One man pointedly told all of his kids that if that child were drowning and their mother was drowning and he could only save one, he would save their mother.
I don't think that's what is necessarily meant by putting your spouse first. My relationship with my spouse is paramount, but my wife and I both would prefer to step aside for the next generation if it were an either/or choice.
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posted
Do not say anything that could be in any way considered negative about your spouse to you either of your parents. Or your siblings. They are already pre-disposed to think of you as the good guy, and your spouse as holding you back. In addition, any faults that your spouse has now but repents of will be very hard for them to get over. It is best they don't have any ammunition in the first place.
I have seen marriages ruined for seemingly small issues when wifey runs home to Mommy, who commiserates with her little girl who can do no wrong. Mommy convinces her that those little things are huge and that Hubby is an inconsiderate jerk.
If you have serious problems, seek counseling from someone not family, and, in my experience, not LDS clergy. Trained professional if possible.
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posted
This may be considered TMI or WAY TMI, so feel free to bypass it or scroll to the advice. If you read the advice, read the WHOLE explantion too.
Off the wall advice, but it works:
If you are arguing or fighting: fight naked.
Reason--neither of you can just stomp out of the house (or the room if you have others in the house) and take off.
My first husband would leave for hours at a time if he was upset or if we were having a dissagreement. I would cry and pray for his safety then beg his forgivness when he came back tellin him it was all my fault. It wasn't till much later that I learned about phycological abuse and he was using his leaving as a way to controll me.
By being in the buff you actually take the edge off the situation and even if it does not get totaly taken care of at that time, both of you have made an effort to diffuse the situation first.
This also works for making any unpleasant plans or decisions.
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posted
1. Leave your mother and father & cleave unto your wife. I.e. cut those apron strings.
2. Yeah, I'll have to agree with the "never go to bed angry" advice. Sometimes a good nights rest is what is needed for cooler heads to prevail.
3. Courtship does not end at marriage. Keep dating, even if they are "stay in" dates. Oh, and when it comes to sex, practice makes perfect.
4. How to better deal with my in-laws.
5. The Three Musketeers, or anything else by Dumas is great. Most Scott Card novels. Heck, even Jane Austin novels are pretty good.
Oh, wait. I bet you mean marriage related books. Hmmm... On the sex front, we found "Mars and Venus in the Bedroom" to be the most helpful. Some good technical advice without being crass or excessively explicit. Same guy that did the whole "Men from Mars..." series.
When you knock your wife up, then "What to Expect when Your Expecting" is a must have. I've heard good things about "The 5 Love Languages", but I'm always a bit leery of reductionist, pop psycobabble.
6. The first couple of years can be rough. You'll go from big highs to be lows as your hormones and self-identity fight with each other. Hang in there and learn to compromise. Praise often, critisize rarely. Brush your teeth. Look both ways before crossing the street. Uh.... I stop talking now. Posts: 1323 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
Oh, yes you are. Well, you may not be married to your in-laws but her family is your family. That takes some getting used to, even when you have completely non-threatening, non-getting-involved in-laws with the same values as you. Their traditions and ways of dealing with each other will be different than yours and that takes patience.
Speaking of patience, that is the best advice I have to give: Marriage requires a lot of repentance and forgiveness. Recognizing whatever part is your fault in the mess, apologizing, and being quick to forgive. I think quick to forgive is probably the MOST important -- remembering that this person you love, and the relationship that's supposed to last forever, are more important than the offense.
And not holding on to petty things. My DH has one tiny habit that is my pet peeve and it is so petty that a better person would let it go. Whenever I can convince myself to let it go -- because DH would never be that petty with me -- I still have to point out to him that I'm letting it go. (I have a long way to go in this thing, but fortunately I have a husband who is very forgiving. See how that works?)
I have lived with roommates for 6.5 years at my current address and have not yet had one argument with them. Her parents say that she is the most agreeable of all their 6 children, the least likely to argue. But I am sure we will still have disagreements.
Oh, her parents are here in town. All my family is far away. Her parents are great, as are mine. After college and a mission she moved back in with them while going to more training. So we have spent a lot of time at her parents house. I have noticed they do many, many things differently than my family did. How did you make the adjustment of merging your two different ways of doing things?
[ January 12, 2012, 11:24 AM: Message edited by: Jason ]
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3. Discuss issues before they become an issue. How will you handle the money/finances? Who will take care of them? Talk about family prayer/scripture study, temple worship, etc. Talk about sex--frequency, what's acceptable/what's not, etc.
4. When the same things come up as issues, discuss them again to clarify what each of you mean/think.
5. I'm also in the camp that it's ok to go to bed angry. Sometimes, we need some time to get over the emotions and be calm enough to deal with the issue.
6. Forgive freely and quickly. Remember what's important and focus on those instead of the little habits that annoy.
7. Continue to date and romance. Little things mean alot--a quick note in her purse, a nice neck massage for him, a funny text of a private joke, etc.
8. Give affection without expectations of anything more. Hold hands, give quick kisses, show each other the love and affection you feel without the expectation it will lead to more.
9. Laugh together. Make time for laughter if needed. Find the humor in situations rather than the negatives.
10. Love is a choice. Choose to love your spouse every day and especially during those times that you don't feel like loving or feel lovable.
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quote: I have lived with roommates for 6.5 years at my current address and have not yet had one argument with them. Her parents say that she is the most agreeable of all their 6 children, the least likely to argue. But I am sure we will still have disagreements.
I've been married 6 months and we've not had a fight or argument. We've disagreed on things and even have had tense moments. But, what each of us has done during those tense moments (so far) is realize that the snappiness results from other sources (being tired, stressed, worried, etc). When the one is being snappy, the other gains more patience. Neither of us has said anything horrid to each other--it's more of a tone of voice rather than what is said. And once the snappiness is over, an apology and explaination occurs with forgiveness.
We've talked about how we want to "fight" and we both agreed that we don't want to fight. We will disagree and sometimes just be wrong about things. But, what we consider as fighting is not on our list. So, we have discussed on we will disagree and what to do if that disagreement begins to turn into something we don't want.
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posted
It is much better to tell your spouse about the good things you've done (e.g. sweep the floor) than to stew with resentment that your spouse did not notice it. We've developed a habit of saying something when we are feeling particularly pleased about something we've done. That makes it easy for the spouse to give praise and acknowledgement.
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posted
Boundary maintenance with pushy in-laws is critical. Remember, the commandment says to honor your parents, not obey your parents. When dealing with their children as fellow adults, parents are entitled to honor and respect, but not to an obedience that overrides the stewardships of their children.
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roper, I think that I got the idea from someone else at Nauvoo, so I'm happy to have passed it along. Posts: 467 | Registered: Sep 2010
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posted
If your ward has a "Marriage and Family Relations" Sunday School class, GO TO IT. Even if you don't like the teacher, or classmates, or whatever. If you can't go to it because of another calling, or if your ward doesn't have one, download the instructor's or participant's manuals. IMHO, they're the best-written manuals in the church.
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1. What was the best advice you received before marriage?
I remember very little advice from before my marriage. One piece of advice after our marriage (from a CD by John Lund) was to content communicate. In other words "mean what you say and say what you mean". If I'd like you to take the trash out I ask you to do that - I don't say "the trash is full". If you ask me to go to a movie and I'm not hip on it I don't tell you I will go with a sigh and then dread every minute of it. I either tell you I don't want to go or I change my attitude toward the movie and enjoy going with you.
2. What was the worst advice you received before marriage? Never go to bed angry
3. What is your best marriage advice to give?
You'll get a lot of advice. Use what works for you. Toss what won't. Store up the rest in case it might work for you down the road.
4. What do you wish you had known before marriage?
This kind of goes along with what you said above. Rex and I had a relationship much like you describe with your own. We're both pretty agreeable. But that doesn't hold for 20 years. After awhile you're just going to find you weren't as agreeable as you thought or things have changed with new jobs, kids, home etc. We talked a lot about big things, but Rex really didn't share little things with me. It built resentment in him. Then I finally got him to share his desires for those little things I didn't know how to handle it and didn't listen and work with him as a partner as I should.
Basically that all goes back to the meaning what you say thing. Stating that you would rather have Chinese she wants than the Mexican you want doesn't mean you are being selfless, it just means you are not communicating. It is good to be selfless, but that doesn't mean you never offer an opinion.
5. What books would you recommend?
Not a book, but a set of CDs. For All Eternity He also has a book by the same name, but I haven't been through it to see how closely they are to each other. The CD are 4 talks he has given. Highly recommend them, though I don't agree with everything he suggests. We give it for wedding presents. We even have a second copy that we loan out to both members and on-members and they have all told us how much they appreciate things they have learned it.
6. Anything else? What don't I know that I don't know?
There are so many things you will just learn through the course of time. Some totally new things. Some you have known all along, but haven't ever applied or thought of applying before. Just this morning I was reading 1 John 4:
quote:11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.
12 aNo man hath bseen God at any time. If we love one another, cGod ddwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us.
13 Hereby know we that we dwell in him, and he in us, because he hath given us of his Spirit.
14 And we have seen and do testify that the Father sent the Son to be the Saviour of the dworld.
15 Whosoever shall confess that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwelleth in him, and he in God.
16 And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.
17 Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world.
18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
19 We love him, because he first loved us.
20 If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not eseen?
21 And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.
Somehow I had always thought of this applying to those outside of my home, but it first applies to inside our home. Not that I thought, "this is not about home", but rather didn't think to use it as a base of whether I am with the Spirit while discussing things with my family.
quote:How long was it until your first argument?
This is really hard to answer because different people have a different idea of what an argument is. We consider our first argument to be about a year into marriage. Over wallpaper. Let me just now give advice to never wallpaper a wall that has a second layer of wallpaper which comes off in little teeny strips and between all the cupboards, stove, window, outlets, sink etc. has not one sheet where there aren't at least 2 cutouts. I never would have believed before, we would have an argument over something like that.
posted
Our first argument? Depends on how you define argument. We don't yell or otherwise raise our voices, we don't call names, bring up past stuff, use profanity, or otherwise be derogatory to each other in any way. We discuss, and it's never heated. You could say we've never had an argument - it certainly doesn't feel like we've ever had an argument.
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posted
this is from a person who is converting so I was not raised in the Church:
1. best: marry your best friend. without a doubt. Marry someone who has similar values and who wants what you want (that includes having children)
2.worst advice on marriage was to wait. I was not LDS at time. So I did. Silly. If you are in love. go for it.
3. can't remember didn't not have many role models before Church
4. I'll be frank I wish I had known how important chastity and modesty is. As I said I was not raised in the church, and with almost zero guidance from parents. So I made a lot of mistakes. HOw I wish I could take them back. Heavenly Father has forgiven me. I know that because soon after receiving Him, I got married and had a precious child. But so much heartache that was unnessary.
5. Love Languages I forgot who it is by.
6. Marriage is the greatest thing ever. Having children rocked my world. I was a sad woman who did not have faith and found it. And found joy. Heavenly Fathers Plan IS right.
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posted
1. If you want to have freedom to do what you want, make sure by your words and actions that your wife knows SHE comes first after God (notice I didn't say church).
2. Read Covey's new book 3rd alternative or Terry Warner's Bonds that Make Us Free (or both)
3. If you include music, uplifting good quality music, in your family, your life will be richly blessed. Good music can change a tone, soften a heart. (And it doesn't matter if you can't carry a tune in a bucket, nor that you are musically trained.)
4. If you haven't learned yet to really listen and understand others, that should be a high priority. Hard to work on solutions if you don't really understand the problem.
5. Each of you need some money and some time for which you don't have to account to the other. But not too much.
6. Learn to live on one income (maybe less than one income) from the very first. Save the rest. If you cultivate that discipline, you'll have choices throughout your life that you'll never have without it.
I hope you are talking with her about what you see that is different and working out plans for merging. If you aren't bringing it up, she's assuming you are alright with what you see.
Also, I'd urge you to investigate to see whether "most agreeable of all" is a personality trait born of empathy and ability to see multiple sides of issues, and not "I'm the youngest and no one cares what I think" or I've afraid people won't like me, so I go along to get along or "If my parents really knew how much I fought with my companions!"
If you are going to have children, I'd suggest you read books about Teaching children the lord's way. Lots of what you read about children doesn't follow His pattern, but behavioral modification. Nothing wrong with using current science, but it is really helpful to understand where there might be discrepancies so you can consider whether how you would handle things is more likely to get you to your goal.
posted
I'm going to expand on what I was trying to type at 0100 hours:
1. What was the best advice you received before marriage? The advice in the book I linked to above. Treat your marriage like something special. A friend wrote in a bridal shower card, "Marriage is the hardest thing that you will do." In my early-20s, twitterpated state, I thought it was a strange thing to share. Thing is, she was right. But the more you put into it, the greater the reward.
2. What was the worst advice you received before marriage? I'm not sure I got any. I think everyone knew me well enough because of my major to not try and give me the "Don't go to bed angry" cliche.
3. What is your best marriage advice to give? See #1. And date each other. Even if it's just window-shopping, or a trip to the library, go away with her.
4. What do you wish you had known before marriage? My husband is not a mind reader. And just because my major focused on physical intimacy did not make me an expert.
5. What books would you recommend? See #1, to add to what has been recommended. Read it together, even!
6. Anything else? What don't I know that I don't know? The two of you are coming into marriage at a different time than I did, so I'm not sure what to tell you. I will say, -- it makes a very big difference to children that a parent is there to raise them, as opposed to someone else. --Be ready to say you're sorry first, even if it isn't your fault (my husband does this all the time, which is probably why we're still married , although I have gotten better). --When things are tense, remember that this is the woman you were crazy nuts in love with way back when, and do what you can to get over the rough patches. There will be some. --Prepare for the unexpected. Jobs can get lost, children may be "special", accidents will happen. Many marriages end when Life throws them these curve balls. Do what you can, both of you, to use them as an occasion to grow together. Rely on one another. --Don't belittle one another, even in jest to your friends. Be a united front. --As long as your marriage is the most important thing to both of you, you can get through anything. --Truly make the Saviour a part of your family. --If you do have children, they will most likely hit that wonderful age where they smart-mouth Mom. The first time you witness it, take them aside and tell them this: "Before she was your mother, she was my wife. And I will be damned if I let anyone talk to my wife that way." Or use your own words to get the point across.
How long was it until your first argument? Within the first three weeks. But again remember, I was in my early 20s and pretty insecure with myself. Plus I grew up in a home where yelling at one another was pretty common. It sounds like you might not have that problem.
How did you make the adjustment of merging your two different ways of doing things? Talk about it. If her way works, great. If yours is better, present it and see what she thinks. And it isn't worth getting in a snit about usually, so pick your battles. When it comes to merging family traditions, talk about what will work and what won't. Along the way, you'll develop your own ways of doing things, but there will be traces of His and Hers mixed in.
Congratulations to the two of you, and best wishes for a Happy Forever.
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1. What was the best advice you received before marriage?
Can't remember.
2. What was the worst advice you received before marriage?
"Don't go to bed angry". As others have noted, a good night's sleep can do wonders. How could fighting when you're tired help anything?
3. What is your best marriage advice to give?
Make sure you have hobbies you can enjoy together.
4. What do you wish you had known before marriage?
Don't know.
5. What books would you recommend? (So far my fiance's sister got her "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" for Christmas. My friend recommends "Without Offense: The Art of Giving and Receiving Criticism". Another recommended, "And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage Through Sexual Fulfillment".
I highly, highly recommend anything by John Gottman. His research into marriage relationships is fascinating and has been extremely helpful.
A lot of people really like "The Five Love Languages", but it didn't do much for me.
After you've gotten the training wheels off in the bedroom, I recommend Sheet Music, A Celebration of Sex, and Intended for Pleasure. All of these are written for Christan couples and present excellent information in a tasteful way.
I see that they have a version of "A Celebration of Sex" for newlyweds. Based on the quality of their other book, I would definitely pick that up if I were a newlywed. "And They Were Not Ashamed" is good for what it is, but there are definitely better books out there.
6. Anything else? What don't I know that I don't know?
posted
advice from one of our recent patients, he was in his early 90s and had been married 70+ years. (I think 72)..
one of my coworkers asked him the secret of a happy marriage, his response "you have to like each other."
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posted
I would *not* want to go back to life without my husband. I'm a thousand times better off with him than without.
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posted
I just moved into my new place, which will soon be "our" new place. She is coming over tonight, and for FHE we will be unpacking some of my/our stuff. Currently the place looks "big" enough that we won't be stepping all over each other (2 bedrooms, big kitchen) 2 bathrooms.
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posted
There is a lot of good advice here. Nauvoodles are smart.
But there is a dirty little secret about marriage and it is this- it isn't just about making a relationship, it is about making yourself better. And there are some days that the relationship isn't the thing you are working on or growing- some days, it's just you. Marriage is an excellent way to really get to know someone. It's an ever better way to get to know yourself. We are here to become all that our Father knows we can be. If you let it, marriage can be a tool for that.
And that is the truth on the down and dirty days when marriage is not about how in love you are or building communication. Some days it is about knowing that you are a person who will keep their covenants.
None of that truth denigrates marriage or a spouse in any way. The spouse is more important than literally anything in the world, the relationship also. But who you let marriage make you, matters too.
Posts: 7926 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
I talked to my wife about this thread, and the first thing she said (without prompting) was that the worst piece of advice she got was "never go to bed angry". So, that's another vote for that one. Our relationship, especially, is the type where, sometimes, we each need to just go to bed and then start the next day as though we aren't fighting, because we aren't really arguing, we're just mad, if that makes sense.
Something I believed before marriage and now really believe is that it is supremely unfair to expect another human to read your mind, or to "read between the lines" and then to blame them when they don't. It is the supreme act of passive-aggression, and anyone who cannot break themselves of the habit is (most likely) doomed to be unhappy their whole life.
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quote: it is supremely unfair to expect another human to read your mind, or to "read between the lines" and then to blame them when they don't
I so totally agree with this. I had a hard time getting myself out of this mindset in my first marriage -
There have been some benefits to a second marriage, a big one is that I can learn from mistakes I made the first time around.
More patience
Less unreasonable expectations (mind-reading falls into that category)
Clearly state what my expectations are
Don't hold grudges
Greater appreciation of little things
Don't always expect your spouse to apologize first
Overall - remembering that no matter what disagreement we're having at the moment (and happily, doing the above we have relatively few disagreements), we love each other and we'll get through the rest.
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Hmmm... On the sex front, we found "Mars and Venus in the Bedroom" to be the most helpful. Some good technical advice without being crass or excessively explicit. Same guy that did the whole "Men from Mars..." series. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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, although I have gotten better). 
