posted
This is a spinoff from how we treat ex-members.
I've just been assigned to visit teach an inactive sister in my ward who I have never seen in the 7 years we've been here. I pretty much am her assigned friend, but my intentions are sincere.
She has a severely disabled child. I have twin toddlers and a husband who works all the time, so I don't know what I even have to offer her. I have no idea how to even make that phone call.
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posted
Everything I learned about buddying up to someone, I learned from my wife. If she were reading this thread, she'd suggest finding out what disability, and read up on it. I know a few parents with special kids, they get tired of filling in gaps in people's knowledge. Someone who actually knows a thing or two can brighten their day. If you can find a way to interact with the kid on his/her level, you might find yourself this lady's favorite new friend in the whole world.
High or low functioning? Brain issue or body issue? Touch or sound sensitive, or do they love to wrestle and yell? Speech issues? What can the kid say?
I think a better way to put it is "As a builder in the Kingdom of The Lord, I have been given an assignment of stewardship to look after and care for this sister."
But that would make it sound too easy. Posts: 8601 | Registered: Sep 2002
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posted
along w/LM, my suggestion is to reach out to this lady in friendship. You won't know what you have to offer and why you are in that position until you meet her! Try to let that child's disability be a way in which to build friendship. Find out how her life and family is impacted by this child and what can you do to offer support. Her life probably has lots of extra stressors w/her child,especially if she is the primary caregiver. Does she need other support services for her child that you or someone else could help locate? Many who have kids w/disabilities end up isolated- ie if the child can't leave the home or won't allow others to stay w/him or her. See if there is some way you could ever help babysit the child... or finding someone else to help w/the child. (even if at times it might mean someone helping you w/your twins) She possibly has a harder time getting support for watching her child in a jam.
posted
Those are good ideas. Thanks. I guess my main problem is that I'm really overwhelmed by my own life right now, so I'm trying to understand why me? Why not someone who has the energy and resources to offer her more? But I suppose there's some reason. I just have to work up to making that phone call: "Hey you don't know me and I've never seen you before, but let's be buds."
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Just say "I'm Jen, and I'd like to stop by for a few minutes some time that is convenient."
Can I tell you that this "I'm a stranger, so let's be friends" common misconception sort of bugs me?
Home and visiting teaching are not about being someone's "assigned friend," or "newest bff."
Home and visiting teaching is a stewardship over the wellbeing of a child of God and his or her family.
Period.
If you become fast friends. Fine.
But our job as home and visiting teachers is to watch over these people. Hopefully, this responsibility includes bringing them a monthly message from their Father.
We need to get over the "assigned friends" viewpoint (which many use as some crazy rationalization to shirk their duty) and do our assigned duty toward these people.
posted
I'm not one to make my first contact by phone. I would rather catch them at home to introduce myself and try to get a time to come by another day. It is so easy to dismiss someone on the phone because it is a faceless contact.
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posted
I wish I had a companion. But I don't, so it's all me.
I do feel the responsibility to rescue people in my charge, or fix their problems. That was insightful.
I also feel a responsibility to develop friendships with the ladies I visit teach. I don't want to just do my duty. Maybe I need to think about whether that's needful.
I guess because of that, I feel hypocritical calling someone I wouldn't otherwise contact and asking if I could come visit, with 2-5 children in tow. I've never felt so resistant to a visiting teaching assignment. It's totally new territory for me, so I'll think about all your advice and go forward. Would it be a big bother to the RS president to call her and ask her about this sister and what they're hoping I can do?
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posted
I'd start with a postcard (maybe a pretty picture) that says, I'm your new VTer and will be calling to see what you would like your VTer to do to support you on ______. If I don't reach you then, I'll try back. In the meantime, if you need me, please call me at _________ or my companion, Sister ____________ at ____________ or email at ____________.
That gives them something to put on their fridge. Then on the day you promised call ask ask her what she would like you to do. For all you know she knows something about how to live with your struggles, or maybe the child will be a friend to your children.
Then follow her lead. Every time you go take something for the child with a disability (take a banana the first time before you know if there is an allergy.
And invite the family to your home for dinner or family home evening to get to know them.
If her needs exceed your and your companion's capability ask for your supv help, and the RSP's help. At this point though you don't know what she really needs.
quote: I guess my main problem is that I'm really overwhelmed by my own life right now,
It's possible you aren't her VT for her, but for you. It's interesting how many times I've seen that happen.
quote:Can I tell you that this "I'm a stranger, so let's be friends" common misconception sort of bugs me?
Home and visiting teaching are not about being someone's "assigned friend," or "newest bff."
Home and visiting teaching is a stewardship over the wellbeing of a child of God and his or her family.
Haven't checked the newest handbook, but the last one said one of the reasons for VTing was "to build friendships". Many people take that as "be instant BFFs". It starts from the beginning just as any friendship does.
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I'm not saying "don't be their friend." I'm saying that home and visiting teaching is not being someone's "assigned friend," and saying so trivializes an essential part of the Kingdom of God on the earth.
posted
I don't think that seeking to build a sincere friendship over showing up every month just to deliver your message and get your numbers in trivializes visiting teaching. I think it elevates it. I never liked going or seeing my VT's until I started to see it that way.
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I teach high school kids. I am not their friend. I don't try to be. I don't talk like they do. I don't like their music. I pull my pants all the way up. I'm old enough to be their grandfather. But when they have a problem, whether it's parents, other teachers, pregnancy, or whatever, they come to me. They trust me enough to do that because I respect them and they know I care. This isn't to say I'm not friendly. I am (which is not the same as being a friend). I joke around with them. They joke back. But at the end of the day I go my way and they go theirs.
I have a friend who was recently assigned to home teach a family he doesn't like. The family had requested that he be their home teacher. He's not interested in making them like him. He's brutally (rudely, actually) honest and straightforward. A tough-love kind of guy. He makes them commit to reading the scriptures, praying, and so forth, then holds them accountable. Maybe they requested him because they know that's what they need.
I can't speak to visiting teaching. Because the female psyche is different, maybe the demands and needs of VTing is different than HTing. But you wouldn't expect your doctor, your therapist, or even your bishop to be your friend before you trust them to do their job (in fact it could be a hinderance). I don't see why a home teacher should be any different.
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quote: I guess my main problem is that I'm really overwhelmed by my own life right now, so I'm trying to understand why me? Why not someone who has the energy and resources to offer her more?
To some extent, I know what you are saying..do to being overwhelmed w/my own life situation (bad job situation mingled w/some depression) has made it hard for me to have the energy and the ability to do what I need to do to get out of my own situation and move forward how I've wanted for the last four months. I've asked to be released from a stake calling and asked for modifications to my ward calling.
For vt, I've asked (as we had vt interviews) not to have anyone new added to my list.
And wouldn't you know but EVERY one of my sisters has needed something this month! IT feels overwhelming but works out..don't get me wrong, I am glad to be able to help but it can feel overwhelming at times.
will edit this out:
the one who is moving doesn't want packing help but I've been able to gather boxes (keep dropping off). For one w/a one day car problem, I could help her w/a ride one day and send some supportive info via email to help her with gathering info for her family member recently diagnosed w/cancer. She might need more over the next few months, hope we can find out ways to support her.
And finally for the first time, yesterday, she asked US for a simple favor..
And for another sister one whom a couple years ago I thought they could perhaps reassign to someone w/children and a husband- I've been able to help this past month. I don't want this to sound like self-promoting but the following has helped me see a little bit how I can be used to help my sister: When this sis had some challenges and got separated from her husband, I thought perhaps she should be reassigned to someone w/a husband and kids instead of someone like me. I thought she would do better w/someone like that who I thought would have more to offer in terms of fellowshhipping. She is a relatively new member but is not active. This month via our vt connection, we've been able to help gather baby items/furniture for one of HER friends (who is expecting and has small kids and who had nothing due to abruptly leaving a bad marriage situation). All that needed to be done there was put out some simple emails and fb messages and sisters in our ward helped. Some delivered things to the friend in need, for other sisters either I went to pick up things or the sis I visit went to pick them up. Basically simple. A couple times this has been hard to pick up something someone was offering due to the work schedule but it works out, we don't have to do "everything" but I think we can be helped to do more than we would otherwise be able to do. In a related experience, my neighbor was tossing out a tricyle I thought the friend's dtr could use. I went to verify they were throwing it so I wasn't stealing the bike..they were throwing it. Then the neighbor said he was also going to throw out a cute toddler bed and asked me if I knew someone who could use it! The sis I vt went to pick it up and that bed made the little daughter of my sister I vt's friend very happy!! It helped me feel useful to a small extent though I didn't do a thing except check to make sure I wasn't stealing the bike and to send a message to my sis I vt letting her know about the bed!
I do wonder why ever sis I visit teach has needed something the very same month! I know others could do better in other ways..but what I am trying to say is that even this little offering without us doing too much has seemed to be enough for now. (hopefully!) And so in your situation, I think what I am hoping to convey is you will hopefully be able to find a couple manageable things to support this sister and be her friend.
quote:I don't think that seeking to build a sincere friendship over showing up every month just to deliver your message and get your numbers in trivializes visiting teaching.
I know!! I'm certainly glad that no one in this thread has suggested that. We are right on the same page.
The Kingdom of God is built by good people such as you who, in spite of the fact that they personally have challenges in time and other circustances, desire and strive to help others.
quote: Because the female psyche is different, maybe the demands and needs of VTing is different than HTing.
I do think this is true, especially when you read the differing articles and more about VTing and HTing.
quote: Visiting teachers sincerely come to know and love each sister, help her strengthen her faith, and give service (from CHI)
For many women this would mean the same thing as building friendships, even though it is written one sided. Until they have a bit of friendship they won't feel enough trust for the VT to really let her get to know them. Funny, I was sitting there thinking, "unless they are different, like me", but thinking about it in the past 25 years I'm not so different.
The whole key to the friendship thing is "build" and "come to know". It's rarely going to be instant as so many RS women have understood it to mean. Nor is it supposed to be forced. It's a line upon line process.
Jen - from what I'm getting this is supposed to just be a friend thing and she doesn't know it is going to be like VTing. Right? The RS presidency told you to do it this way? And the Spirit tells you to do it that way as well?
Does she live near by? Can you take your kids out for a walk when she might be just coming home (you can vary times)? What about taking her a couple of cookies and tell her "I was thinking about you"?
This shouldn't be overwhelming because if it is for you then it will be for her too, meaning that at first she won't trust you enough to help in big ways to start with. That trust will be built up in small ways. And if she isn't supposed to be known you are a VT then this truly is one of those times where you are "building" a friendship, because she will distrust you calling and offering all sorts of service right away. It's just a few minutes here and there.
quote: I'm really overwhelmed by my own life right now, so I'm trying to understand why me?
So interesting that you've said this at this time. Today, as I go about my business, I'm also praying and pondering what changes to make to our Visiting Teaching routes. My theory of management long had been not to "fix" things that were working, but now we have two young sisters moving out of the ward, and another sister (who with her companion had been faithfully visiting the same 4 sisters on her route for nearly a decade) who has accepted a day job and needs a change. I've got 74 sisters willing and/or able to visit teach, and about 190 sisters to be visit taught, of which some 50 or so don't have visiting teachers at all (another 25 don't want contact). There's a complete mismatch on availability (day vs. evening... a big number of our sisters would rather not go out at night because of age-related vision issues, but another big majority is only available to be visited at night because they work). It's a puzzle. Then you layer on top personality issues, age issues, teaching style (one of our most consistent visiting teachers is at the same time actually not an effective visiting teacher, because she believes in getting in at the first of the month, reading the lesson to the sister, and leaving instantly... it's just her personality, very type A. But that's not the visiting teaching most want).
But I am trying to get beyond those plaguey thoughts, and get guidance from the Lord on what HE only knows, which is: which sisters will most benefit and be benefitted by this visiting teaching assignment? Who will be a blessing to whom?
So, I sure can understand that an assignment might simply be one of desperation (who is available, who lives nearby, etc.) but would hope that maybe some more heart and soul and prayer went into the assignment. I know it will be hard to do this, given your time considerations. But I'm thinking that maybe the Lord will give you a flash of insight on what you might do, personally, just a teeny thing, in the time and energy that you do have. That is all He (and your Relief Society President) is asking.
Anyway, that's what I would tell a sister in my ward, when she comes to me and asks "Why me?"
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quote:Would it be a big bother to the RS president to call her and ask her about this sister and what they're hoping I can do?
It should absolutely not be a bother. In fact, Sister Beck has counseled RSP's that assignments should come with this information.
I think your idea of wanting to be her friend is a good one. The model of visiting teaching has changed recently and we no longer report visit/phone call/letter. We have been asked to count the caring and I think this is what you mean by being a friend. Not that you have to go out to lunch and be bff's just that you care about her as a friend would (or, more importantly, as the Savior would).
With someone who is inactive, that usually starts slow. She has probably experienced people jumping in and trying to rescue her, but that often leads to burn out rather quickly. Maybe you can just be someone she can vent to over the phone occasionally. Maybe what you have in common is feeling overwhelmed.
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quote: Jen - from what I'm getting this is supposed to just be a friend thing and she doesn't know it is going to be like VTing. Right? The RS presidency told you to do it this way? And the Spirit tells you to do it that way as well?
Well, no. They just said they were changing my assignment to be this sister, that she was inactive, and that she had a severely disabled child. This was over a message on FB because my phone wasn't working at the time.
I guess I do need to call and get clarification. I think I expect some level of hostility or rejection from someone who hasn't been to a single meeting or activity in at least 7 years, so I'm anxious about that. I don't know how open or receptive she is to gospel messages. So I'll call and try to find out more. Thanks for your suggestions.
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posted
A few things that come to my mind. I've had very many less actives in my visiting teaching routes. Some assigned to me by myself as the RS pres because I saw they hadn't been contacted for years.
I'd suggest praying about how to make the first contact. I know for some it works that you just show up and try to see them. Others will be immediately put off by that. For someone a phone call may be a good one. I've had sisters who don't like visits, but are happy to speak on the phone. The easiest approach is often to write a letter, explain you're her new VT, what VT:ing means - she may have no clue about it, how you're going to go about it: I'll be trying to call you, I'll be coming by trying to catch you home, and with your contact info also. Sometimes finding them on facebook and becoming a friend may work. Praying will help to know which is the best approach.
I'd also pray about your focus. For someone with a child with challenges, what she needs may be like others suggested, someone who is willing to listen to and understand and find out about the challenges. For someone else it may be that they abhor the fact that everything is always about the child and they need someone to focus solely on them.
For many with a disabled child, it's not help with the child they need, it's adult company, listening, something to get away from the routines.
One more thought: As VT's I think we too often think that it is my responsibility to sort out their lives and give them all the help they need. It's not so. Our job is to see the need, report the need and help to find a help for the need. It does not mean we need to do everything by ourselves, it means we need to help them find out ways to fill their needs. For example if my sister needs a ride somewhere I can give the ride, I can phone someone else to give the ride or I can give the sister ideas who she can call and ask for a ride. There's nothing wrong with the first two, but if I do the last, the next time she needs the ride she'll have a list of people she can call herself and be the one in charge of her need...
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posted
Be careful about looking for a "need", seeing a "need" and then trying to meet the "need" (or trying to fix it). Be sure they actually see it as a need fist. Nothing is more annoying and a quicker way to push someone away then trying to fix something they don't see as needing fixed.
I am one of those who hate the whole"forced friendship" aspect that so many women seem to feel is required. I loathe it when someone I don't know at all comes into my home and because they are my visiting teacher expect me to tell them everything about me on the first visit. And then refuse to tell me anything about themselves because it isn't about them. If you truly feel like you are supposed to be my friend because you are my vt then be a real friend- which is a two way street. Let me get to know you and help you too. If you don't want to do that fine- but a one way street is just a stewardship and not a friendship. I am fine with that, I have plenty of friends. But don't get upset at me if I don't treat you like a friend if you won't treat me like one, but instead treat me like a project. No one likes to be someone else's project.
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quote:The model of visiting teaching has changed recently and we no longer report visit/phone call/letter. We have been asked to count the caring and I think this is what you mean by being a friend.
I've missed this somehow. What does :count the caring" mean?
quote: Well, no. They just said they were changing my assignment to be this sister, that she was inactive, and that she had a severely disabled child. This was over a message on FB because my phone wasn't working at the time.
I guess I do need to call and get clarification. I think I expect some level of hostility or rejection from someone who hasn't been to a single meeting or activity in at least 7 years, so I'm anxious about that. I don't know how open or receptive she is to gospel messages. So I'll call and try to find out more. Thanks for your suggestions.
Good idea. I've found some of my inactive sisters to be the most welcoming and some to be the least welcoming. Just depends on where they are. There are some active sisters that were a downright pain to VT.
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posted
The missionaries in your ward might have been by her house. Talk to them and see. They have been helpful to me when I've been assigned a VT contact I've never met.
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quote: The model of visiting teaching has changed recently and we no longer report visit/phone call/letter. We have been asked to count the caring and I think this is what you mean by being a friend. I've missed this somehow. What does :count the caring" mean?
This might be better as it's own thread...it has created a lot of discussion in my ward.
Sister Beck introduced the concept of "counting the caring" in her Oct. 2011 conference talk when she compared the old way of visiting teaching reporting to the law of Moses. She has expanded on this idea in the most recent training meetings that are available online as well as in the VT training videos that are available in the leadership training section of lds.org.
The idea is that you do whatever is necessary to care for the sisters that you have the responsibility to watch out for. For some, chatting on facebook is enough, others need weekly visits or phone calls. It is more about caring and less about taking a message and a plate of cookies (although that is good too).
Reporting is supposed to change too. Sister Beck said that they old way reported the behavior of the VT when what is needed is a report about the person being visited. The church computer system changed last month to reflect this. It used to show phone/letter/two sisters icons to choose from. Now it is just a check mark. Either the RSP can report to the bishop on the welfare of that family (check mark) or she can't. Since the RSP can't check on everyone every month, the VT have to report back.
The changes don't really affect the way good visiting teachers operate, I think it just clarifies things.
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posted
Thanks Sara. I vaguely recall that, but didn't pay much attention since that's how I always felt VT should be. Actually how I was always taught that it should be. I was just struggling with the phrase "count the caring" thinking some people could it assume it means that if you just "care" about the sister it counts regardless of having any contact at all with her.
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posted
"I think I expect some level of hostility or rejection from someone who hasn't been to a single meeting or activity in at least 7 years"
For what it's worth ... just because someone isn't active in going to church or church related activities does not mean they are antagonistic to the gospel. (I know several people, myself included, who have health issues or other reasons that make going to church more of a rare thing ... but that does not mean that we are people who are devoid of testimonies or have broken away from what we know to be true).
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posted
*raises hand* I'm another one whose health issues means going to church is on the rare side. I haven't fallen away, I still have a testimony.
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quote: Home and visiting teaching are not about being someone's "assigned friend," or "newest bff."
Home and visiting teaching is a stewardship over the wellbeing of a child of God and his or her family.
Period.
If you become fast friends. Fine.
But our job as home and visiting teachers is to watch over these people. Hopefully, this responsibility includes bringing them a monthly message from their Father.
We need to get over the "assigned friends" viewpoint (which many use as some crazy rationalization to shirk their duty) and do our assigned duty toward these people.
I understand that HT/VT aren't assigned friends, but I believe there is more to HT/VT then a sense of duty to an assignment.
Duty to an assignment results in "HI, I haven't spoken to you in a month but it's time for us to impose ourselves into your life, push a message into your hands and then report to my HT/VT route supervisor that we've duly visited our assignments"
How can a Home or Visiting teacher know and understand the needs of a family if the family isn't comfortable enough to share their needs? My expirences over the last few years with home teachers gives me the feeling of being an assignment to be completed by the end of each month. I could be unemployed, cars repossesed, home in foreclosure and kids being considered for foster care - but to the HT visiting me on assignment - I will not have a problem that they can assist with.
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quote:Duty to an assignment results in "HI, I haven't spoken to you in a month but it's time for us to impose ourselves into your life, push a message into your hands and then report to my HT/VT route supervisor that we've duly visited our assignments"
... My expirences over the last few years with home teachers gives me the feeling of being an assignment to be completed by the end of each month. I could be unemployed, cars repossesed, home in foreclosure and kids being considered for foster care - but to the HT visiting me on assignment - I will not have a problem that they can assist with.
Yeah. Most of us are doing it wrong. Sorry that you feel that way.
Our assignment as home and visiting teachers is to be their mortal guardian angels. That is the stewardship which we have been given.
We should strive to love and look over these people.
Usually, we will become their friends during this process, but not always. It is entirely possible for someone to trust and respect a home and visiting teacher enough to share their struggles with those people, and yet not necessarily want to "hang out" like "friends."
Home and visiting teaching are about a million times more than, and more important than, being someone's "friend."
I say that because in modern American society people make "friends" way too easily.
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posted
"Friends" are someone that you can trust and count on for a very long time (perhaps the rest of one's life).
Not everyone with whom we are "friendly" is a true "friend," or even needs to be. Most people are more like friendly acquaintances.
A friend is someone with whom you still have a relationship even after they change the ward boundary.
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posted
That's a good definition of a real friend. But at the same time, I don't see "that" happening on a frequent basis, even in modern American society. So, when you say, making friends way too easily, I'm thinking that's not the definition you have in mind.
But, then again are you railing against the way people behave, or the way the English language is used? Is anyone (except the immature*) conflating casual friends with close friends?
*And maybe here in lies the real problem, too many people are not maturing.
Posts: 10845 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Jen: Here's my thought. Do the best you can to do the assignment. Don't overthink it. Just trust that as you pray and actually do it (rather than just talk about it (Sometimes I think we psych ourselves out about these things.)) the Spirit will give you opportunities to kindle a genuine friendship. No one can give you an instant friendship pill, and I suspect that the solution to your troubles will come in unexpected ways, kinda like Nephi who told Lehi he would "go and do", I suspect many of these sorts of situations apply similarly.
It may feel artificial at first, but if you treat it like an assignment from the Lord, then if you do your best, you're doing great, regardless of the outcome.
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