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My son in 4 1/2 months old. He weighs 7 1/2 pounds and is still on oxygen. He was premature and we were life flighted down to SLC the day after he was born. Now he and I are going back. I am tired. I have had months of monitors alarming all night and bad dreams when he is quiet. I see the differences between him and other babies and I am afraid of what they will find. I have had the year from hell. January we had a house we are trying to sell flooded $60k worth of damage. I bickered back and forth about insurance and... In June a contractor flooded the house we live in now $30k worth of damage and... the insurance company on the first house went bankrupt... the insurance adjuster "misdirected" the settlement check to him...I delivered my son prematurely...I end up in SLC for almost a month with nothing becuase I left from the delivery room... when we were finally released from PCMC and tried to drive home a car ahead of us blew a tire which totalled the windshield stranding us in Brigham City...our health insurance company is pure evil and has made every possible mistake possible I spend hours every week trying to make them honor our policy...The furnace died, the water heater died, and the bearing is going out in the car. And I have had enough. I am weary.
People keep telling me how strong and wonderful I am. I am so tired of hearing that.
So this is the one place I can say it: I am not strong and wonderful. I am tired and frightened. I am not brave. I am not any of the things people keep telling me I am. I am sad. And more than anything I have ever wanted, I want my baby to be OK. There I said it. Now tomorrow I will get all of the Christmas presents wrapped and under the tree in case I dont get back home next week. And it all just keeps going.
Posts: 1451 | Registered: Jun 2004
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I am so sorry you are having such a bad year. I know you are weary of it all and worried about your son. Is this a checkup you are taking him for? I pray that they will tell you he is doing well and that things are looking up. I know that would be a tremendous relief--to know that he is improving.
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Our family feels very blessed this year... we will pray for yours that you'll have the same miracle. Posts: 1330 | Registered: Jul 2004
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And from me too. What you're living is exhausting and very frightening. So, well, I hope things go well at the hospital, and that you'll be blessed for all you're having to endure.
Posts: 562 | Registered: Feb 2002
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How very very difficult. It does exhaust you. It does get wearisome and overwhelming. It does seem like there is no one to tell your real feelings to... How wonderful that you are close to SLC and the best care available for your boy ( and the weather is good right now for such travel ! ). I am sure the bond you have with this boy is very special and the yearnings of your heart for him are unspeakable. Bless you. In the face of suffering all we can do is bear witness that no one need suffer alone.
Posts: 724 | Registered: Sep 2004
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I don't know that I could deal with all of that. Sounds like you've really been through it. Hugs and prayers that this next year will be a better one for you.
Posts: 4371 | Registered: Jul 2004
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We just got back from a week in SLC. We hadn't planned on having to stay so we were in Ronald McDonald house again. Now it is almost Christmas and I have to hustle to get everything going. all the tests for cystic fibrosis were negative, which was a huge relief considering he has every symptom. We are supplementing his feedings and he is doing well.
Posts: 1451 | Registered: Jun 2004
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I know how you feel having been there recently myself. I just do what I have to and everyone thinks that I am a super woman for it. I hope that your little one gets well and that things are figured out.
Posts: 635 | Registered: Aug 2004
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Today, as we were watching the Nativity video put on by the church, I noticed that Joseph kind of snapped at the inkeeper. I saw frustration and helplessness in his face. It mae me begin to think about how we look at this miraculous event from afar and I think we forget what the reality of the situation was for Mary and Joseph.
I couldn't help but wonder how Mary and Joseph really felt about having to leave their home just as she was having the baby, her being so big and uncomfortable that they were slow, resutling in not being able to get a room, but a stable instead. We think of it now as beautiful, quaint and peaceful and even talk about how the hay was probably cleaner than the linens in the rooms. But I wonder if it was really that way, or if Mary was so exhausted she wanted to cry and that she probably did. And Joseph may have felt completely helpless and unworthy to be the guardian of the Son of God. And knowing that, I knew that it was okay for us to feel this way. Just the idea, the permission I seemed to feel from my Father in Heaven that these feelings of exhaustion, frustration, of just muddling through were fine to have made it easier for me today.
Sometimes I think that is all we can do. Hang on for dear life, and pray for the strength we don't have to do the next thing that needs doing.
Posts: 125 | Registered: Jul 2000
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