posted
We have some of the best sisters in the world in our church. However, often they are too nice. They can make guys think they are interested in them, but they really aren't. How can you tell the difference? What signs or signals do you give?
Posts: 3511 | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
Punny has the same problem. He is too nice. I still remember one time when I went to a lab to go get him so we could go home. He was helping a girl with her homework. She was flirting up a storm, and he was being his nice, oblivious self. I walked up to him and she gave me the most evil look like, "back off, he's mine." LOL
I had to teach him to be nice in other ways.
Posts: 894 | Registered: Jul 2004
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How about a direct question? Worst you can get is NO... but you get it before you are all involved and can get hurt even more. You just have to be able to deal with a no! Like you said there are so many nice girls... and guys for girls around! And even a no can change by years.... or even days .... By a flover and give it to her and tell that you think she is nice and pretty(?) and as "Would you go out with me?" or " Would you be interrested in going out (dating, be serious)with me?" To get things on the right places helps! Just DARE to do it! Think of all possibilities you are loosing all the time! IF a girl says no she says it because seh is not interrested. OK so what .. she is not interrested, maybe someone else is. Maybe she has someone special she si trying to... maybe she just plain dont like you... tough luck. OK there are some not nice girls that may act stupid like laugh, sperad rumos... so what YOU have nothing to shame because YOU did it all the right way! Dont be scared they are just girls! GO GET THEM! Posts: 298 | Registered: Feb 2005
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I know what you mean. My problem is I am generally friendly and men think I'm after them when I'm not. When I was younger I couldn't talk to men my age very easily but nowadays I get past that by thinking of all men as gay. Don't laugh, it helps me to look at them as non threatening and I can build a friendship first. I can talk to them about anything and that fascilitates conversation. Bad thing is I'm that way with the married brothers and I don't want to spook anyone's wife. With the guy I like at this time, I just came right out as a poster above said to do, and well, I didn't get the response I wanted but at least I know now.
I think we talked about game playing here before and how it's not the best route. Just be honest and ask a woman you're interested out for a movie or supper.
Posts: 1765 | Registered: Apr 2004
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Jason, correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you in a Young singles adult ward? Most of the advice you're getting here is from people who are past that age group, so we're all sick of the game and therefore we're advising you that the straightforward approach is the best.
Do NOT take the straightforward approach (hi, are you interested in having a relationship with me?) with a twenty-year-old girl. She probably has no idea if you're the sort of person she'd be interested in. Play the game. Flirt with her and see if she responds. Ask her if she wants to go out sometime. Ask your friends if so-and-so is already dating someone. Sit by her in Sunday School. Make a point of talking to her at activities. Listen to ward gossip about who is dating who.
Then just ask her out. If she isn't interested, you'll pick up on it soon enough, and no relationship will develop. How would they know if they're interested in you if you haven't shown an interest in them? Ask her out.
posted
Sorry, what Janey says makes a good point. Younger people have a whole 'nother set of rules involved.
I still hate not knowing if I'm wasting my time on someone I would really like to get to know better.
Posts: 1765 | Registered: Apr 2004
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giddonah, you are not allowed to say "when I was younger" until you are officially 40 or more years old. Lisa' rule # 73. Posts: 1765 | Registered: Apr 2004
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WHEN I WAS YOUNGER... hrmph! I hated the games. Some girls just do not like the games. Some guys just never seem to get over the games, unless the girl writes it all over his face that she is interrested... some guys just dont know how to read girls.... well I would not either if I were a boy... Well I suppose I should not even be here ... I am not single But I did meet my DH in a church activity for over 30 singles... it was wild... I never thought I could fall for someone like THAT! Three days and I was a total goner Posts: 298 | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
I have always wondered at the use of the word "games" to describe the social dancing involved in dating. Certainly some people play games with you, either deliberately hiding what they think or outright lying to you, but when two people in good faith undertake the social dance that is dating, I personally would hesitate to call it a "game", mostly because of the negative connotations that go along with that. I mean, Janey is right, for older people, just walking up and saying, "I'm interested in starting a relationship with you, are you interested?" my work better, but it'd be a disaster with a 20-year old. And it doesn't have anything to do with the 20 year old wanting to mess with your head or play games. there's a value, I believe, in learning and then using the socially appropriate ways to approach, befriend, and then possibly date someone of the opposite sex. I certainly hope my children learn and appreciate them, instead of spending their time wishing girls would just come right out and tell them exactly how they feel.
I guess what I'm saying is that I see value in the good faith social dance.
Posts: 2993 | Registered: Jun 2003
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PB makes a good point!! (And Janey) What is wrong with flirting? I don't think of it as playing games, but if someone is too pushy I back off!!! Just like any social situation, if you start telling intimate details of your life to someone you just met, it pushes him/her away. I think it is nice to keep potential romances casual, and then, gradualllllllyyyyyyy, decide if you are interested.
But then, I'm single so what do I know.
Still, if you wan't to attract em, I say, be a bit casual, and noooo pressure. Assume they ALL LOVE you, and the ones that don't assume they just don't know you well enough yet.
Posts: 1911 | Registered: Nov 2004
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lumina, you are such a positive person! *hug* I assume no one loves me, that way I don't get hurt if they don't. Better to expect it but not care, and be pleasantly surprised if it happens.
I like the saying, a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet. It's about the only positive saying I've made my own. Posts: 1765 | Registered: Apr 2004
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I agree with Lisa Lumina you are a sweety!! I think flirting is great... but rest made me uncomfy. All I know when you really meet SOMEONE it really knocks you off! I been taking the count now for soon 16 years and I cant see me waking up yet for a looong time....
Posts: 298 | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
Er... back to Jason's original question, how do you tell genuine interest from just niceness. I'm no expert, but in my experience nice people are nice in the moment, people who like you go a little more out of their way. So... observe the situations that are not convenient for the girl. A nice girl will return your phone call if she needs something from you or if it just happens to be convenient. A girl who likes you will return your phone call promptly and stay on the phone with you even if she's got somewhere else she needs to be.
People who like you sometimes seem shyer because they're more invested in what you think. You could have a nice girl sit right next to you and flirt because she's comfortable around you and having fun, while a girl who likes you sits quietly across the room because she immediately comes to the conclusion that you're "taken". So, pay attention to who isn't sitting next to you. Is it the girl who called you back yesterday?
Nice girls do sometimes treat flirting as a game, and you can catch some of them in the act by not playing. Raise the stakes just a little. Make eye contact when you ask them questions about themselves and listen to the answers. Talk to girls one on one, even in a crowded room. Don't let girls hug you or lean on you casually - no need to be rude, but lean away slightly when they try. Be a little more serious, and the nice girls will usually giggle and walk away after a short time. The girl who likes you won't. Sometimes a girl who only meant to be nice will find herself making a real connection with you and suddenly it's not a game for her any more.
This is what I noticed in my experience of being a girl. Dunno if it helps.
posted
But what happens when you lean away, and that gets interpreted as not liking her? I might like someone, but if they are perceived as recoiling from the slightest touch, it won't take long for me to make the assumption, accurate or not, that the feeling is not mutual.
Posts: 1046 | Registered: Mar 2002
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posted
I don't know the good answer. But everything Olavmah said is brilliant and very accurate.
As far as the leaning away thing tho, Marmonboy. I think you have to find a way to not have girls lean on you, BUT not let them know you are doing it. I suggest the "squeeze and roll" from Friends. (Squeeze for her, roll for you.)
I will add, I am pretty surprised that any girls would be holding onto or hanging on you guys. No wonder you are confused.
It's just my opinion, but I think that people who really do like you don't try to hang all over you in public (unless they're dating you - in which case you really should let them....). I don't think that a person who likes you would be put off by you leaning away, as long as you do it subtly. Besides, if you maintain eye contact and smile, it shouldn't be a big deal. You just look like someone who's not touchy-feely.
My experience with singleness was that there are quite a few people, of both genders, who just like to flirt. They're not interested in anything serious, but they like to monopolize the attentions of the opposite sex. I don't pretend to understand them, but I suppose it's just a function of being wired differently and liking the spotlight. Don't let them scare away other people. Public touching is one of the most effective ways to "mark territory", so to speak.
How do I know this "territory marking" works? You can use it to your advantage. More than once I've bailed out a male friend from unwanted attentions by just slipping my arm through his and talking to him, or putting my hand on his shoulder and drawing him to one side. Now that I'm married, I've found that touching his arm to get his attention, then stepping back and starting a conversation is often enough to get a flirty girl to move on to the next target. (And it doesn't start lame rumors.) If said male friend steps away from my touch but turns to smile at me, it doesn't look like he's brushing me off, but the flirty girl will stick around. If he wants to make sure she sticks around, he includes her in the ensuing conversation. Subtle body language says a lot.
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