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Question: In Korea, you have to buy toilet paper in bulk. Do you know why?
Answer: Because in Korea, toilet paper is hu-jee*!
*휴지/toilet paper.
Many Koreans prounce English words that end in the soft g sound with an added long e after the soft g, owing to the syllable formation rules of the Korean language. So, the English word huge is pronounced the same way as the Korean word for toilet paper.
Posts: 580 | Registered: Mar 2007
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A country preacher decided to skip Sunday services to go bear hunting. As he rounded the trail, he and a bear collided, sending the preacher tumbling down the mountainside. His rifle flew one way and he flew the other, breaking both legs when he landed. Unfortunately, the bear was charging straight at him. "Oh Lord," the preacher prayed. "Forgive me for skipping church today. Please grant me one wish-make a Christian out of that bear." That very instant, the bear slidded to a halt, fell to his knees. and began to pray, "Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive."
Posts: 180 | Registered: Mar 2010
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A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, tattoos, and multiple piercings. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and expressed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice." "Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter in exasperation, "if he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
Posts: 180 | Registered: Mar 2010
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posted
nita: That joke was on an episode of Two and a Half Men. Charlie was blitzed and got quite the kick out of the joke.
Posts: 580 | Registered: Mar 2007
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hansemann First the handicapped, then the Irish. Your going to get coal in your stocking this Christmas You had better hope Santa is one legged or Irish. Posts: 180 | Registered: Mar 2010
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posted
Churchmouse, he's poked fun at the Swedes before, too. So Santa might be a Swede.
And on that note, I hope Santa doesn't bring me coal for this one:
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, “I bet you that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand.”
The Pope says, “No way.”
The Queen says, “Watch this.”
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.
The Pope thinks for a minute. He then turns to the Queen and says, “I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head.”
The Queen says, “It can’t be done.”
So the Pope headbutts her.
Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jul 2001
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quote:The attorney jumps out of his car and proceeds to yell at the other driver.
Can I tell you that something like this happened to me in real life? I was at the post office, parked by a rather dirty and beat up junker of a car.
For some reason, I had one of denephews with me, and he barely (and I mean, just barely) dinged the other car with his door as we were getting back in the car.
Oh. My. Heck.
The whole family gets out of the junker car, just yelling "You hit our car. You hit our car." And I'm all, "What the heck?" I was already in the car, so we just kind of sat there watching them do their thing. After a while they got tired and all got back in their Clampett-mobile, so I just drove off.
We just laughed all the way home. (And by calling another car a Clampett-mobile, I am not casting major aspersions. I was driving a 1996 Blazer, after all, and this happened in about 2006).
Posts: 8601 | Registered: Sep 2002
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3 string beans are walking down a country highway. A car comes along and hits one of them injuring him severely. He is taken to the hospital by ambulance. His two friends make their way to the hospital and find the emergency room doctor. They ask how their friend is doing. The doctor says, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is he will live. The bad news is he will be a vegetable the rest of his life."
Posts: 11546 | Registered: Nov 2000
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An American on vacation in Australia is severely injured in an auto accident.
He wakes up the next day in the hospital in ICU. He looks around at all the monitors, tubes, and wires and asks the nurse, "Did they bring me here to die?"
"No mite," she says. "They brought you here yesterdie."
Posts: 5982 | Registered: Feb 2000
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A man goes to his dentist, complaining that the plate he recently had put in is already having problems. The dentist takes a look, and sure enough, the plate is all corroded. "What have you been eating?" he asked the man. The man shrugs. "Nothing unusual. Except my wife started making this sauce, it's awesome! First it was just eggs benedict and asparagus, but now I put it on everything!" The dentist nods. "Ah, I know that sauce. It has lemon in it, which is very corrosive. I'll give you a new plate made out of chrome. That'll take care of the problem." "Why?" asks the man, "what's so special about chrome?"
"Well," says the dentist, "everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."
Woot! This is fun! And just to round out the groans, this one always makes me giggle:
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Well, since the jokes are running along these lines...
If you've ever looked closely at what comes out of the back end of a chicken, you'll notice that in all that green color you'll notice streaks of white sometimes. Do you know what the white part is?
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Little sister married and moved to the city. When she made her yearly visit to her brother she complained about all the flies. He said there was nothing he could do about it. She said he could put some lime in the outhouse and put screens on the house windows. "I can put lime in the outhouse, but I can't afford to put screens on all the windows', he told her. When she returned for her visit the next year, she noticed all the windows had screens. "I thought you said you couldn't afford screens?" she asked him. "I changed my mind when I saw white flies on the kitchen table."
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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up and, very softly, said "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Posts: 2599 | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
Well, since the pun barrier's already been broken:
Q: What happens when you drink too much mead?
A: You get waxed/buzzed, of course! _____________________
A man is bird-sitting a parrot for his girlfriend. One Saturday afternoon, the bird drops dead and the man panics. He grabs the bird and rushes to the nearest veterinarian. The man says, "Doc, you have to save the bird! It's my girlfriend's favorite pet and she's coming back to town tonight." So, the doc examines the critter and says, "I'm sorry, but this bird is dead." The man then asks for a second opinion. The vet says okay and opens a door in his office. A big Labrador retriever walks in and sniffs the bird. The dog shakes his head and walks out of the office. The vet says, "The dog agrees with me. He says the bird's dead." The man then says, "You have to be kidding me. That's not a second opinion. The bird needs help!" The doctor then says, "Okay, there's another chance." and opens a different door in the office. A cat walks in, paws the bird, sniffs it, shakes his head, and walks back out of the office. The vet then says, "I'm sorry, sir, but the cat says the bird's dead and if anyone would know, a cat sure would." The man is finally resigned to the fact that his girlfriend's pet is deceased and asks, "Okay, okay. How much do I owe you?" The vet says, "Ten thousand and fifty dollars." "What?" exclaims the man. "That's outrageous!" "Don't blame me," responded the vet. "It's only $50 for the office visit, but the lab test and the cat scan cost five thousand each."
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A Swedish truck driver once got stuck in a tunnel in Norway. Soon a Norwegian came by the tunnel and found out that the truck was wedged in with the load stuck against the ceiling. The Norwegian suggested that the Swede let the air out of the tires. The Swede looked angrily at him, "You moron! The truck is stuck up on top." Posts: 3371 | Registered: Aug 2004
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Can we dispense with the swedish jokes? - we were once a world power you know, yet one day Gustavus Adolphis will rise again!!
Posts: 1460 | Registered: Dec 2008
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Jokes I've heard from representatives of the group being made fun of, are great. I've known a (highly educated and intelligent) blonde lady who delivers the best blonde jokes imaginable. The cartoons that appear in the magazine published by Alcoholics Anonymous are witty, simple, and tender. I can't relay any of the harsh, sarcastic jokes I've heard coming out of a rape crisis center group therapy session, but I'm more understanding and empathetic of abuse victims because of them.
So, for anyone out there similarly burdened like the authors of this joke, I give you:
quote:CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED
SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear?
DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you why...
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire...
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ............(better start again)
posted
that is a great point Loudmouth! One funny moment (not a joke but funny) from work this week is one of the ladies came in our therapy room, looked at one of the other patients and turned to me and said "Senior Citizen Club?"
Posts: 8577 | Registered: Feb 2005
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