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» Nauvoo Forum » Nauvoo Classic Forum » General Discussions » loneliness is a strange thing

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Author Topic: loneliness is a strange thing
palmon
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Loniliness is a strange thing

Do you feel lonely? What do you do to combat it?

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jana at jade house
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Introverted folk need time on their own to recharge. I like my own company, and don't need to be socially ON 18 hours a day. I am rather selective of whom I spend my time with and what I spend my time on because of the energy requires. Hubby is even more singular- he has no close friends, no buddies. Not one. When we get lonely it is usually because one or both of us has a project that keeps us apart, not because we are yearning for a party. He has a horrible work schedule with many demands. He wants to come home and stay home on his down time. (edited to add: I usually "get lonely" first- and instigate a specific together time activity. I sometimes have gone with him to seminars just so we are together in the car for some hours...date night just is not in his skill set)
Thus, as I read this article, I experienced a feeling of sadness that this very young person equates being busy with a rich involved life.
One day, she too will understand that being alone and lonely are not the same thing.

[ April 12, 2012, 02:20 AM: Message edited by: jana at jade house ]

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trooperswife
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I don't ever have the chance to feel lonely, but I know that times and seasons change. At this season of life for me, alone time is at a premium, I can never get enough. But the kids will all grow up and leave, I will have a less demanding calling, and and I will find myself at a place where I may feel lonely.
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jana at jade house
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But then is the time you can go take a course, volunteer, really study scriptures, attack family history, read all day if you want. Really, just having less laundry is so liberating!

I thought about this some more: I can and do often feel isolated in a mass of people, so loneliness perhaps has nothing to do with a cast of thousands. I think loneliness is provoked when one is not actively engaged in a worthwhile endeavor.

Perhaps that is not true for everyone, though.

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beefche
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quote:
Thus, as I read this article, I experienced a feeling of sadness that this very young person equates being busy with a rich involved life.
One day, she too will understand that being alone and lonely are not the same thing.


Jana, I thought the same thing. Being busy doesn't mean you won't get lonely--it just means you are busy.
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Jean Valjean
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I'm not that often by myself, and I actually savor the rare opportunity to have the domicile to myself while Cosette is out on the town. Nevertheless, loneliness seems to be my constant friend and lover.

It <crude metaphor>s.

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palmon
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Please forgive me for repeating this story. A woman once moved into our ward. She decided that she was not going to wait for people to come to her, etc.. Instead, she decided she'd go to the sisters. Every Sunday she chose two sisters to visit. She'd take them something small, maybe a few cookies, a card, whatever. Sometimes she was rebuffed, I'm sure, for showing up unannounced, but on the whole she was loved. What she found were lonely women. Many came forward saying she was their best friend or only friend when she left.

Some people are lucky - they have callings, marriages or jobs that help them feel part of a community, important to others and fulfilled. Others are not so much. Maybe they have no calling or one of the invisible callings. Maybe they are stay at home mothers or wives.

People can be lonely in the admist of a busy life, surrounded by many people. People become lonely if they believe that no one cares. Maybe for some their 'best friend' (spouse) is enough but i've known scores of women who need female companionship as while as their spouses. In the philosophy of palmon I have wondered if the polygamy in the 1800's was established not for the men but for the women who were put into extremely lonely circumstances. With sister-wives, they would have someone to share their burdens with.

quote:
I experienced a feeling of sadness that this very young person equates being busy with a rich involved life.
One day, she too will understand that being alone and lonely are not the same thing.

What I read into this adult woman's column was that she felt lonely because she was isolated. The people who 'loved' her when she was nearby, didn't seem to care as much when she was further removed. She may be young, but her experience is not limited to the young. Over my years I've noticed friendships are often lost when the ward boundary changes.

[ April 12, 2012, 10:10 AM: Message edited by: palmon ]

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Sweet William
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quote:
...but for the women who were put into extremely lonely circumstances.
Interesting observation.

Could you imagine how hard that life must have been? Moving away from everything and having to build an entire society over again?

For us, it would be like colonizing Mars or something.

quote:
One day, she too will understand that being alone and lonely are not the same thing.
Totally. I sometimes wonder if I enjoy being alone too much. Actually, I don't wonder. I do enjoy it. A lot. Perhaps I should worry. [Angst]

Lonely, schmonely. [Razz]

quote:
Really, just having less laundry is so liberating!
Jana. Don't hate me because I only do two loads per week. Three, if I went on a campout. [Wink]

FWIW, I just got a new Teacher's quorum advisor who likes to camp, and do other outdoorsy stuff. And who is a former scoutmaster. I am soooooo looking forward to doing an extra load of laundry after a campout. The past two years, I've been fighting to go on two campouts per year.

[ April 12, 2012, 10:35 AM: Message edited by: Sweet William ]

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yungmom
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I occasionally feel lonely. I'm alone a lot now that all the kids are in school. I don't mind that at all. That isn't really when I feel lonely.

I feel lonely is when I'd like to do things with friends and there isn't anyone to do things with. So many times I'd like to go to a movie with a friend, or go out for ice cream, or go on a walk. But calling someone to go with me is often such a burden that I've about given it up. It's frustrating that everyone else is so busy that no one wants to have some women/friend time. One time I was given some tickets to a clean comedy show and was excited to go. After calling a dozen women I was just so relieved when someone said yes.

Palmon - thank you for posting that. I've been thinking I needed to visit some women in the ward, but have been kind of clueless about how to go about it. It's not like I haven't done that before, but it felt like I needed to do something different this time. That just may be the what I need to be doing.

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Redd
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quote:
I am rather selective of whom I spend my time with and what I spend my time on because of the energy requires.
Jana, I am glad you choose to spend time with us.

I personally am not exactly lonely, as much as frustrated. Too much to do and too little time. I think I get lonely when I have a victory and no one to celebrate it with.

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LoudmouthMormon
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[Just a minute, let me put on my facade of machismo and fake accent. Ok, here we go.]

The LoudmouthMormon is not alone. The LM is LONE. There is a big difference. One is an unfortunate circumstance, the other is a lifestyle choice. Thank you.

[removes gold chains and unzipps chest-hair suit]

[ April 12, 2012, 01:32 PM: Message edited by: LoudmouthMormon ]

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rayb
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I think a key is recognizing when and what you're feeling, and then finding ways to combat it. Feeling something isn't anything strange--everyone feels the whole gamut of emotions, but when we wallow in the negative, we deprive ourselves of opportunities to grow and become more like our Heavenly Father.

I don't know that I feel very lonely though. When I'm physically alone, I'm often singing or making up a song in my head, or thinking of a writing project complete with what my characters would do in whatever situations they're stuck in at the moment. Maybe that was my way of coping. Dunno.

Anyhow, I sometimes think I'd like some time all by myself where I can write and won't feel like when I'm writing I'm neglecting someone who could use my help.

--Ray

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Dravin
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quote:

Do you feel lonely? What do you do to combat it?

1. No.
2. Nothing.

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Raro
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I feel lonely a lot. It mostly has to do with the realization that I can't do what I used to. This body of mine is winding down and I hate it. I went to church yesterday fully determined to stay the whole time, since my mom was teaching RS third hour and was a bit nervous. Then I gave up, decided to only stay for sacrament meeting. I ended up leaving right after the sacrament was passed, missing out on two great speakers.

I feel disconnected from the ward and from my colleagues at work. My work colleagues don't have a clue about illness and are so wrapped up in their own issues that they don't lift their heads to even look around them. The ward is full of wonderful people, but since I hardly ever see them, it's hard to make that connection.

I guess loneliness, for me, is when you find your world shrinking and there isn't anything you can do about it.

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Jim Clay
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I feel for you, Raro. You have been given quite an "endure to the end" challenge. God bless.
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jana at jade house
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Raro, gosh, my heart goes right out to you. You have been such a soldier through your cancer. A hero, you are.
I wish for you one healing friend. I am lucky to have one in my life. She is battling debilitating depression but finds the energy to visit regularly- and curl up on the bed with me to have a cup of tea on days that the bones won't hold me up. She is just herself and has no other wish than just to be a friend. Honestly it is like the balm of Gilead to have her around- and she is so struggling. I wish she believed in the power of the Priesthood - I would love for her to get a blessing.

I wish you that.

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yungmom
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[Group Hug] raro.
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nitasmile
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everyone said things so well to Raro! Raro, I wish you didn't feel so isolated during these struggles. Do your coworkers know?? I know every workplace is different, but when I have had coworkers w/severe health trials, we honestly have not always been told of the status/severity. I realize some don't wish to share trials, challenges,etc.

I hope your loneliness can be eased.

And I don't want to talk the talk w/o doing something...have you been able to get up to the temple? I remember awhile ago you'd shared it was hard to get there. And I don't like going by myself..maybe some Saturday we could go together? I could come get you. So far my Sat are kind of tied up..Sat the 28th would work if it is early ( I would need to be done by mid afternoon) or else May 12th..

let me know!

Today I felt bad for one of my ladies- she has the same type of cancer you do, she has lost all her hair, etc. She also has another new condition that makes it impossible for her to care for herself- she needs total care. She is a young woman- late 50s..one of her college age kids has't visited her for awhile. Today while working she lamented that she thinks the lack of a visit is due to his being uncomfortable w/the changes. But I sense the sadness of her missing a visit. I hope this child figures things out! (I think the other child who was there today will be calling the sibling who hasn't visited to get up and visit!)

[Group Hug]

[ April 16, 2012, 11:46 PM: Message edited by: nitasmile ]

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Raro
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Thanks everyone. It's nice to know I'm not alone.Unfortunately, Nita, my colleagues do know about my health issues. Some are uncomfortable (I understand that and try not to talk about health in front of them)but most look at me with the attitude of "What, I thought you had cancer...you're not dead yet? Then it must not be serious after all..." In fact, right now I'm having trouble with the central office accusing me of being incompetent (in spite of good performance evaluations) and my new principal who wants to micromanage everything, and we didn't get off on the right foot back in September, and he is...let's just say, very unforgiving of perceived weaknesses.

I try not to complain, and I certainly don't want special treatment, but just an occasional, "Hey, how are you doing?" would be nice. When I told the principal about having to do radiation treatments, his only comment was, "I need the schedule from the doctor." No asking if there was anything they could do, no (even faked) sympathy...There's a teacher who has been here for 20 years who was diagnosed this year with stage 4 ovarian cancer. She was not my favorite person (picture the grumpy, mean-spirited schoolmarm) but I have gone out of my way to send her cards and emails every now and then. Everyone else has moved on and forgotten about her. The lack of compassion in this school has really disturbed me.

As to the temple...part of the problem is being able to sit for 1.5 hours to the temple, then sit for another few hours there, then the long ride back. However, Nita, I would really like to go with you in the summer. I think once I stop work for the summer, I might be able to get up the stamina, and getting decent sleep should help a lot, too.

Thanks so much for your kindness. I was beginning to feel that it's such a rare thing. I think it's just my school that is so horrid!

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