posted
I recently learned that my spouse no longer believes in (a personal) God, an afterlife, the Book of Mormon, etc..
I am utterly crushed. I feel lost and alone. I feel hurt, wounded, and betrayed.
I feel like the future that we promised each other has been stolen from me.
Whereas before I felt that we were companions that would help each other and our family stay on the strait and narrow, and follow the prophets even when it was difficult, I now feel like I am living with an antagonist who will actively fight against me, and the future I want for our children.
This is not what I signed up for. The marriage that I thought that we had is gone. I don't even know what kind of marriage I'm in anymore.
I feel like the foundation of my entire life has been removed out from under me. I find myself contemplating actions and ideas that I never would have before. (They are troubling, and some are self-destructive, but nothing violent. Don't freak out that much.)
I want to wake up up and discover that this is just the worst dream I've ever had.
I am surprised to learn that crying too much can be physically painful.
I don't know how to be a husband and how to share my life with somebody who doesn't believe. It's not something I've ever really had to think about before.
I was hoping that writing this down might give me some clarity. It hasn't.
I don't know where to turn. I don't know of anybody that I can talk to, or anywhere I can go for help, solace, or respit. Usually, I go to my wife for that.
And to top it all off, I feel guilty for feeling this way. After all, her testimony is between her and the Lord. Right?
Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2011
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posted
Welcome to my DiL's marriage. When my son announced that he was an atheist and read just about every anti-mormon, anti-god thing written, they almost lost their marriage. It has taken some years, a lot of counseling and a lot of compromise - but their marriage is pretty decent now. There is still love. Sometimes you have to find what you share in common and remember all your shared experiences. Oh, in time his fervent non-belief has tempered and he is more accepting of faith in his home. I can't say your marriage will survive - a lot don't. It takes a lot of work.
Some leave because they have had devastating losses and never forgave God. Others leave the faith because of sin they that they don't forgive themselves of. Others leave because they learn the 'true' history of the Church. This is why a friend's husband left. She stays faithful but also attends other churches with him.
Posts: 5046 | Registered: Aug 2002
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quote: And to top it all off, I feel guilty for feeling this way.
I didn't know what to say to you on any of the other issues that you brought up. Only you can decide what you can live with and what you can't.
However, about feeling guilty for feeling that way, no, you don't have to do that. Your feelings are natural and understandable. Disappointments are no fun, and feeling bad about them is nothing to feel guilty about.
Posts: 3374 | Registered: Aug 2003
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It could be worse. She's not against the church, and is still active. She claims to be open to the possibility of a personal God, and of an afterlife, but considers herself agnostic.
There are definitely parts of LDS doctrine that she believes are false, though.
Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2011
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posted
1--- There will be a grieving process. Go with it. 2--- Eternity is a long time, don't let this bump change where you are headed. 3--- Agency is not for wimps, but we know it is critical to Heavenly Father's Plan. And because you will deal with this, you will learn what real unconditional love is, which will move you closer to being like Him who you serve. And as you get better at it your spouse may also come to understand her Savior's love for her. 4--- Look for things you continue to share. It is likely that there are many. 5 --- Be sure that when you must discuss your wife's choices with children (almost never since that really is hers to discuss), you are absolutely respectful to her and her role as their mother. 6 --- There should be things about keeping your covenants that you must continue to do even with her opposition. But there are many other cultural things in the church that are not required. Spend fasting and prayer and thought and study to set the immovable boundary line. 7--- There is a website called faceseast.org that is dedicated to preserving marriages between faithful spouses and those who have left the church. You might find some of the archived threads useful. It doesn't have a lot of traffic, but it is a place to get advice from people who have walked in your shoes. 8 ---- This is your wife's story to tell. Other than a therapist and your bishop and maybe your HTers as you feel a need to confide, she should be the one to disclose to your family and friends (though I suggest that there really is no need for an announcement, anyway.) You may well find it useful to write your feelings in a journal (and maybe not your permanent journal as some of it may be stuff that in a few years you are ready to discard). 9 --- People who have been in your shoes say that when they got through the grieving to a decision to honor their own covenants and figuring out how to do so, they came to understand that alot of what they once considered essential turned out not to be, and it is possible to have a good marriage with someone who doesn't share your faith.
posted
Oh, and she may not really know herself what she believes. She can't be the only church member who doesn't believe various gospel principles. We all gain and keep testimonies in different ways and at different times.
Posts: 2177 | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
Spamcakes, For me it wasn't my spouse (who has never been a member) but my two weeks away from ordination as an Elder son who rocked my world with his view of the world changing announcement. I am actually amazed at how similar your list is to what I felt.
I like what pnr has to say. In many ways that is what I am doing with my son.
Patience and long suffering and lots of prayer is your lot I am afraid. Please accept my compassion and prayer for the Comforter to be your constant guide.
Posts: 5469 | Registered: Jun 2002
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posted
As I've had friends who have left the church I have worried about their husbands and their children and how they are dealing with things. I can't help you really, having no experience, but will keep you in my prayers.
Posts: 4947 | Registered: Sep 2002
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posted
I am so very sorry for your pain. I have been a member here for a long time. I check in almost daily, but never post. This thread caught my eye because I am going through something similar in my life and had actually thought of coming here for advice.
My situation is different because it is my much loved younger brother who has come out as a non-believer. He falls in to the category of discovering the "true" history of the church. He is still going to church with his wife and two little children...for now. His poor wife is in the same place that you are. Her world has been turned upside down. She is devastated. I am devastated.
I am curious to know if anyone has any stories of people going down this road and ever coming back. I don't see how he will ever come back. The internet is full of sites with stories of why I left the church...but are there any with stories of how I came back??
posted
I don't know what to say & have no counsel for you, except that Heavenly Father & our Savior are aware of your sorrow & pain. Let Them lighten your burden, & continue to be the best husband, father, & person you can.
I am sorry for what you are going through. Your whole family will be in my prayers.
Posts: 12827 | Registered: Apr 2005
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quote:There are definitely parts of LDS doctrine that she believes are false, though.
There are several things which are commonly held as "LDS doctrine" that I don't believe are true, but I'm still a card carrying active member.
What your wife needs now is a loving husband who serves and cares for her and her children. Be a true follower of Christ and give her time to sort things out.
Posts: 1324 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
I know of a brother in what sounds like a similar situation w/changed religious beliefs. This brother has been an example of faith and committment to his family, in turning to faith and testimony and remaining stalwart. I hope that someday thru his faith and true love for his wife, as well as the faith and example of the children, this brother's wife will return.
I hope for the best for you and your family. It is great your wife attends w/you, I hope you can focus on all of her good and have faith and hope the other things will work out in time. So easy to say, I know, and hard to live.
I will edit this part out in a couple days:
but one time I was teaching primary to the young child of this family, the young boy started crying and proclaimed his mom wasn't believing the book of Mormon anymore and that he was worried she wouldn't be in the celestial kingdom. Thus his tears. Wow. He was 9. What a burden he had. I tried to convey that there were thousands of years for things to work out and not to worry. Probably a bad answer. But I was worried about this boy taking such a deep burden at that age, so I told our primary pres who spoke w/the Bishopric,etc so that someone in this boy's life could give him support and help remove that burden from him. (at the time I didn't know his father too well and didn't feel comfortable going to him. In retrospect, I wish I had. But at the time, I was worried I was tredding on too personal of territory, so I wanted someone else to broach him).
In that ramble, I am just suggesting that I hope you can have support from your youth/primary leaders/bishopric, ie to help support your children if needed. It is probably really hard for them too.
Posts: 8577 | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
oh honey, can he respect your beliefs? There are many marriages that are mixed faith. not ideal I know, but they can be very happy. Right now, you need to deal with your grief and shock. I have a dear friend who was Fundamentalist Christian with her husband, Calvinist. She had a change and felt compelled to convert to Orthodox Christianity. It was very upsetting to her husband however Clergy from BOTH churches came and worked with them on their marriage and so forth. The worked to PRESERVE marriage. I am thinking of you and sending you love and support.
Posts: 9 | Registered: Jan 2012
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quote:maybe getting a blessing would help, if you haven't already done so.
I don't feel like it would be appropriate for me to "out" her beliefs to others, and I'm not sure how I feel about asking somebody "I want you to give me a blessing, but I'm not going to tell you what it's for."
quote:oh honey, can he respect your beliefs?
Like I said earlier, she is still active in the church. She thinks I'm looking at things too black and white, and she disagrees with some specific points of doctrine, for the most part, yes.
quote:I don't feel like it would be appropriate for me to "out" her beliefs to others, and I'm not sure how I feel about asking somebody "I want you to give me a blessing, but I'm not going to tell you what it's for."
Please ask someone. Not all feel that they need to know what is going on. I completely understand why you wouldn't want to share this.
If you live in the Salt Lake area, my DH would be happy to come give you a blessing or have you come here or to his work. You need not tell him why. Just click on the "letter" above my post to email me.
If you are not comfortable with this I understand. I just want to give you an option.
posted
Just ask for a blessing of comfort. Tell them you are going through some private things that you'd rather not discuss right now, and it should be fine.
I've asked for a blessing without telling people why before. It was a wonderful experience which continues to bless my life to this day.
Posts: 2112 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
My daughter #1 has stated within my hearing more than once that she doesn't believe in being Mormon anymore. It breaks my heart almost on a daily basis. Still believes in God. Still remembers here scripture lessons. Stays in the room when our home teacher comes and still asks her dad for blessings. Has been good about telling me if a PG movie isn't something I want to watch. She's realized that she has let a lot of the world seep into her life when something in a movie happens and she apologizes because "I didn't remember that."
Our bishop questioned our policy of not pushing church on her. Agency is given from Heavenly Father. I will not take that away from her.
I went to a friend and asked him what sent him running and what brought him back. Anyone preaching at him sent him running. The unconditional love of family and friends is what brought him home. His mom reassures me that through example, love and prayer our daughter can and will find her way back. My testimony to you is that, as PNR says, you will grieve, it's okay to cry and you can work through this. She is also right that your wife's story is her's to tell. In talking to those I have talked to, I have kept the personal stuff out of the conversations. They all know and love her and that's enough. V.
Posts: 4114 | Registered: Sep 2005
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posted
Yes there are people who leave, even have their names removed, and who also come back. But it can make the situation really a lot worse if faithful members act like that is their life's work and the only hope, instead of loving a person where they are and making the best of it.
One of the things that annoys struggling or former members the most is continuing to convert them or trying to prove they are wrong. Generally this is something they have to work out and your love and listening (you don't have to buy into what they say, or compromise away your belief for the sake of harmony) and acceptance of their agency stands a much greater chance of reaching them, than does the typical faithful response.
Some of you probably know that Marlin Jenson who has been the Church Historian is going emeritus this year. A couple of weeks ago he gave a speech and answered questions about how the church is approaching the issue of members struggling with historical issues. He said that they are looking at ways to (for want of a better word and I don't recall whether this was his)innoculate young people so they do not grow up and hear something they've never heard before and get thrown for a loop. He said that he didn't have the FHE with his kids about such issues that he would have now if his kids were younger. You can find a link to a summary at http://www.mormondialogue.org/, I think.
Posts: 2177 | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
My grandparents stopped going to church when my mom was a teenager. 60 years later when my grandfather died, my grandmother had an "oh crap" moment and has been active and faithful ever since. I believe my grandfather on the other side of the veil has returned to the fold. Don't give up hope, you just never know what may cause a change for the better.
Posts: 1996 | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
One of the challenges we have had this year is a seminary teacher that mixes material from the manual with rubbish that came from somewhere out beyond Venus. My scruffypup has found this hard to deal with, because he is hearing things relating to the church mixed up with stuff he knows full well is tin foil hat nonsense, and he no longer trusts anything that he hears.
The other problem is adults who won't answer his questions other than to tell him he needs to treat it as a matter of faith. He finds it difficult to trust many of his leaders.
We really need to make sure that our youth know about the more difficult bits of our history and have had them explained to them by someone who understands them and is not going to try to gloss over them or pretend that black is white. We need as adults to know more ourselves about our faith. We also need to be prepared to say that we don't know the answer to that question, so let's do some research together and find out.
Teenage years are very dangerous for a testimony, and many kids seem to use church as a focus for their frustrations with life. It is fairly easy for them to find things that they can use to confirm to them that they don't need to believe any more or be different from their friends etc.
Posts: 1462 | Registered: Oct 2008
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posted
One of the best things my dad did for us kids when we were young was to show us anti-Mormon materials. He felt we should "know our enemy" and that the only way to do that was to face even the mean, stupid stuff.
And actually, going over it with my dad, having him show us certain inconsistencies, tactics, etc. really helped us understand a lot about the church as well as those who would tear it down. When there was a troublesome issue about church history, he would encourage us to not only read the anti- stuff, but also the LDS viewpoints. And then he would encourage us to take it all to the Lord. It only took once or twice for all of us to realize that people who claimed to have an intricate knowledge of "secret" LDS historical facts were just human beings with an agenda. Frankly, it got boring after awhile, because once we took it to the Lord, we were able to resolve some things and understand other things on faith.
We are here on this earth to learn to overcome evil. Hiding evil from our kids does not strengthen them. Letting our kids face a little bit at a time gives them the strength to overcome and develop their own testimonies.
Posts: 1668 | Registered: Feb 2005
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